briaries

Saturday Night Mission Night

2010-02-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night Mission Night

Group Mission!

Sit around and everyone take out their blackberrys. Everyone open up brick breaker and begin playing.

Brick Breaker Drinking Game:

-Beat a level: Social
-Lose a life: Drink
-Gain a life: Pick someone to drink
-Multi: Pick 2 ppl to drink.
-Long: Next time you drink has to be a long sip.
-Flip: Do not have to drink next time you are supposed to.
-Slow, Catch: A category is picked before playing the game. You must say a part of this category. I.E. Category is ANIMALS. You get slow or catch, you say "dolphin."
-Bomb: Waterfalls!
-Receive a call during play: Everyone pauses and drinks for the length of the call.

Enjoy!

Song of the Day: "Right Hand Hi" -Kid Sister
Quote of the Day: "Shut up, Leonard. Nobody even knows what you're talking about!" -Jeff, in Community, to Leonard when Leonard blames him for eating all the macaroni

Guest Blogger

2010-01-31T18:52:00.000-08:00

Guest Blogger: Nico

briaries: I wish my life had a laugh track.

Nico: Then you wouldn't be the only one laughing at your jokes.

Oh bother.

Some people believe everything they read on the internet.
Elephants are part of the bear family.
"What!?" "Are you serious!?"
No, Chris, the internet is not telling the truth. Elephants are not bears.

Song of the Day: "Blah Blah Blah" by Ke$ha

Quote of the Day: "That's why girls don't play the game, coach." -Shane Falco, Keanu Reeves' character in The Replacements

Saturday Night Mission Night

2010-01-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night Mission Night

Tonight's mission will have 4 tasks.

1. Come up with a personal motto or slogan for yourself. Use it throughout the course of your night. For example, my personal slogan chosen for tonight is "Be the bee, create some buzz." See the buzz refers to possibly stirring up some craziness among your peers or it could refer to drinking a little bit. Either way, there is room for interpretation and it is a pretty punny slogan.
2. Swig. Swig. Swig. Swig. Swig. Find a bottle and swig. I am not talking about shots hear people, swig-a-liggidy-swig. (A possible motto?) Note: If unable to do so this task because you are in a bar, I will include an alternative task. The alternative task is to take a sip of a drink and gargle it right at the bar in which you ordered it.
3. Tell someone that they look really good tonight. Then go into detail. See how long you can go before you sound completely ridiculous. 1 point for every compliment, try to hit at least 10.
4. Tip your waitress. It can be anything from "Speak more clearly when you tell us the specials" to "Keep a couple extra straws in your apron, just in case."

Happy tasking!!

Song of the Day: "In My Head" by Jason Derulo
Quote of the Day: "What? What book? They all have chapters!" -Cole, in Scrubs

Social Experiment

2010-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

I have been documenting my Social Experiment every Thursday. Tonight, there will be no Social Experiment posting.

There have been five and a half parts to my Social Experiment including: how to get people to do stuff for you, how to get someone to believe anything, how to earn respect from your peers, how to catch someone in a lie, how to get out of doing stuff, and how to fake an injury. These are all very good lessons that can help in all social situations. At this point of my social experiment I have reached a cross road. In revealing my social experiment to the world I have deeply hindered my ability to conduct such experiments. As mentioned previously, this is part of an advanced part of my social experiment. So for now, the social experiment needs some time for observation and will not be exposed until enough research has been done. My Social Experiment posts will return within a month. Thank you for your cooperation.

Some quick jokes that I am still working on, but have decided to share anyway:

-My problem with ice cream is I do not enjoy food with a time limit.
-It's easy to make fun of blind people. They don't see it coming.
-Apple is coming out with a new product to help cheerleaders. It's called Itherooftherooftheroofisonfire.
-Last night we were thinking of songs about cars. I decided to turn songs not about cars into songs about cars. I came up with New Torque, New Torque by Frank Sinatra, Engine Flow by Pearl Jam, Iron Van by Black Sabbath, Sex Is On Tire by Kings of Leon, and my personal favorite Oops, I Shifted Again by Britney Spears.

Quote of the Day: "Is there another type of idiocy that you would be comfortable with?" -Shawn Spencer, when told "This type of idiocy will not be tolerated on this base!"
Song of the Day:"According To You" by Orianthi

That's Crazy

2010-01-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

Crazy, but True:

1. Human's are the only animals that use the internet.
2. 8 out of every 10 people is 80%.
3. Dr. Pepper is not a cola.
4. Dr Pepper is not a real doctor, but Dr. Pepper is an actual doctor.
5. If a chocolate chip cookie has more than 20 chocolate chips in it, then legally it must be called a chocolate cookie with chips.
6. People with big mouths are sometimes called orators. Animals with big mouths are sometimes called alligators.
7. After cutting down a tree there is a lot of paper work to be done. They need to log all of the details.
8. If there was no such thing as wine coolers than pedophiles wouldn't exist.
9. The trick to eating Gummy Bears is to chew.
10. She can't possibly be your cherry pie.

It's crazy, I know.

Song of the Day: "In My Head" by Jason DeRulo
Quote of the Day: "I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?" -President Bartlet, to Toby, in the hit show The West Wing, and how topical that quote is when you think of the fact that one of the biggest hit shows right now is The Jersey Shore

Undercover Boss

2010-01-26T13:57:00.000-08:00

So it has been brought to my attention that the reality show "Undercover Boss" is airing after the Super Bowl. Previously shows such as Alias, Chuck, and The Office have had this most coveted spot. Since I have no previous knowledge of what this show is about I have decided to come up with some ideas and see if any of these are correct. I have done this previously with the reality shows "Survivor," "Deal or No Deal," and "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grade." I have yet to be correct with any of them.

What "Undercover Boss" Is Possibly About:

-12 contestants are hired to go undercover as Tony Danza and try to reignite their careers.
- 8 people are hired to work in a large office in which one of their peers is actually their boss. Each week someone is fired so they all need to suck up to everyone in order to not get fired because they do not know who their boss is.
-5 CEO's from recently bankrupt companies put their bonuses on the line in this thriller. They all go undercover into the world underground drug trafficking. Whoever survives/busts the most drug dealers is rewarded all of the money.
-Bosses in different companies take over bottom of the totem pole jobs to see how the lowly people are treated.
-Contestants interview a group of 5 workers and need to guess which one is the boss. If they get it right they move onto the next round.
-Pretty much the same show as the one with the mole, only instead of a mole one is the boss. The boss is the mole.
-A boss and an employee go undercover together. The boss goes undercover and the employee is the handler. They get involved in such organizations such as the Mob, Russian Crime Syndicates, Arby's, Ponzi Schemes, and the CIA.

Well that's all for now.

Song of the Day: "American Girl" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Quote of the Day: "I need a Dr. Pepper." -me, on needing a DP stat

My Weekly TV Review

2010-01-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

My Weekly TV Review:

1. The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien: SPECIAL- Normally this show deserves a spot on this list every week, but since it is on every night I have excluded it from the running. Conan's last night was this past Friday and the Cone Bone's final two weeks were awesome. So it begs the question, how will I live without CoCo taking up all the space on my DVR?

2. The Office: If I told you that I would show you a bunch of hilarious scenes from one of the funniest shows on television, is that something you might be interested in?

3. Community: Are dance scenes ever not funny?

4. Scrubs: Is this show getting funnier because the characters are growing on me or is it just classic Scrubs?

5. 24: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to Jack Bauer, if history has shown us anything isn't it that Jack Bauer is always right when it comes to securing a terrorist threat?

Honorable Mention: White Collar, Chuck, 30 Rock, Modern Family

NOTE: Awesome week of TV coming up, get your DVR's geared up.

Song of the Day: "Solsbury Hills" by Peter Gabriel
Quote of the Day: "It's on fire, it's on fire." -Justin Timberlake, about his Ping-Pong paddle after scoring a point on Peyton Manning in a Sony commercial

Saturday Night Mission Night

2010-01-23T14:58:00.000-08:00

I am sorry for my lazy week in posting. Busy, Busy. Busy. I assure all my readers that I am back in action. So here is the latest Saturday Night Mission Night.

Tonight's mission will have 4 tasks.

1. Order a beer at a bar and ask for a pineapple wedge. You can combine the manliness of a beer and still get a fruity drink in the process. Extra points if done with a Guiness (the manliness of all beers).
2. Make fun of Avatar in IMAX 3D somehow. Some possible examples: "Avatar sucks, especially in IMAX 3D." "Avatar in IMAX 3D? More like Avatar in IWHACK 3D." "I wish I was going to see Avatar in IMAX 3D. Wait. No that's not true. Avatar in IMAX 3D is boring." "Avatar is rated PG-13. Avatar in IMAX 3D is overrated." "I looked a picture of a tree for 3 hours. It wasn't as boring as Avatar in IMAX 3D." "If I was a movie and I was Avatar in IMAX 3D I would wrap myself up in bits of dead zebra and attack the lion at the circus so that when I get eaten to death and killed at least I would be entertaining people for once."
3. Munchies! Treat yourself late night to some treats. Cookies, chips, pizza...you name it. Maybe go to the Diner at 3 a.m. and get some French Toast.
4. This next task requires 4 quarters. Ask a stranger for a quarter. If they give it to you, give them 4 quarters in return, just for being nice and giving you a quarter. Reward the good deed. If they say no then take out the 4 quarters you have and say well you here you go and throw them on the ground and stomp off.

Happy tasking!

Song of the Day: "We Still the Old Way" The Lost Prophets
Quote of the Day: "Floor collapses during Swedish weight watchers meeting" -NY Post headline, 01/15/10
SPECIAL! Video of the Day:
I saw this performance on The Tonight Show, check it out:

Social Experiment: Part Five

2010-01-21T17:15:00.000-08:00

Here is the latest of my ongoing social experiment.

"Social Experiment: Part Five"

-How to get out of doing stuff:
Ever been asked to do something, but you really do not want to? Well follow these steps and you should be able to get out of just about anything.
1. Fake Injury. Depending on what is asked, make up an injury that specifically would hinder your ability to perform the requested task. It is almost too easy. This brings me to another part of my social experiment.

"Social Experiment: Part Five Point Five"

-How to fake an injury:
Need to fake an injury for any amount of reasons? This should help.
1. Moan and Complain. It as easy as it sounds. If you make any sort of grunt or moaning sound people will think something is wrong. Then complain about it. The more you complain the more people will have no choice but to notice that you are indeed in pain and injured.
2. Props. Any prop will do. Anything from casts to crutches to wheel chairs to splints. You can even make some on your own. Carry around a medicine vile with some Tic Tacs or Pez or M&Ms in it and people will think it is your medication for your serious injury. Hospital bracelets are always encouraged.
3. Fun Facts. Come up with some fun facts about your injury. They can be made up or researched on Wikipedia or WedMD. (Note: I recommend making up fun facts only to experts who are well versed in all aspects of my Social Experiment.) In displaying extensive knowledge on the subject of your injury you will show that you care and that the injury really has affected you. Nobody really knows about something unless it affects them personally in some way. WebMD blends an award-winning expertise in medicine, journalism, health communication and content creation to bring you the best health information possible. They offer credible and in-depth medical news and reference material in their mission to bring you objective, trustworthy, and timely health information.

So in short, if you want to get out of doing something, fake an injury. If you follow the above steps closely this should be an easy task. Good Luck!

Quote of the Day: "The seats are so close it's like your watching an HD television." -Jack, Alec Baldwin's character in 30 Rock
Song of the Day: "Bed Of Roses" by Bon Jovi

My Weekly TV Review

2010-01-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

My Weekly TV Review

It has been a couple weeks, but TV is finally back full throttle.

1. Community: Is it currently the best comedy on television?
2. Scrubs: Does this show remind you of Brett Favre, you think it's done over and over then comes back and you find out it is still awesome?
3. Chuck: Do you know Kung Fu?
4. Modern Family: How did this show find two insanely hot women that can succeed in a comedy?
5. Human Target: Will you give it a Chance? (pun intended)

Honorable Mention: Better Off Ted, 24

More shows start up this week so it should be a good week of television!

Quote of the Day: "We need to check where the suspect went after he left Reed's apartment. Start checking traffic cams!" -Jack Bauer to Chloe O'Brien insinuating he's back!
Song of the Day: "Healed" by Matt Ryd

Saturday Night Mission Night

2010-01-16T14:46:00.000-08:00

Game Night...Holla!

This mission will have 4 tasks.

1. Shake yo booty. I'm not kidding. I want you to shake it and shake it hard. Some possible songs that would make it easy to shake yo booty: "Get Shaky" by The Ian Carey Project and "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
2. Come up with a name for your own blog. You do not need to create your own blog. I want you to think about what you would name one if you created one. Part of this mission is also to ask someone else what they would name their blog if they had one (use briaries as an example if needed: "What would you name your blog, for instance my friend brian named his briaries, what you name yours?")
3. Shotgun a beer and get someone to shotgun with you. If you do this mission while riding shotgun, then you get bonus points (road sodaaaaaaaaaas!).
4. Bring it on. This is an interpretive task. Do what you will with it. If afterwards you can say you brought it, then successful mission.

Song of the Day: "Memories" by David Guetta ft. Kid Cudi
Quote of the Day: "Shots?" -my Dad to me and a friend several times tonight referring to shots of Cabo Wabo Tequila

Back!

2010-01-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Josh, for nice blogtastic blogography. I knew all ablog that you could blog it. I hope everyone engblogged the blog while I was ablog.

Anyway...

Today I received a letter from myself. I wrote the letter on January 3, 2000, when I was in seventh grade. A young briaries in the making. After much debate I have decided to go ahead and type up the letter, I will omit all names:

Dear whoever it may concern,

Hi! My name is Brian M*** P****. You are an idiot if you didn't already know that. about 2 1/2 days ago it became the year 2000. Everybody is hyped out about the "millenium" even though the millenium isn't 2000, its 2001. DAMN! Well I will remind you about the good ole' days. Well for one my grade is a fricken soap opera. So dramatic. Oh Mr. T just handed back a vocab quiz while I'm writing this and I got 100. You got a 100. Oh back to the dramatic (crap is crossed out here) junk. **** went home because **** made up a diss and **** told him to tell **** but **** did and she got very upset. She cried hysterical and went home. My best friend **** is someone you should remember about. In health Mr. F**** handed out dummies of mouths to practice mouth to mouth recessitation. Its cool. I have a lot of friends such as ****, ****, ****, ****, **** (hes goin out with ****) and a bunch more people. I kinda like this girl ????????????????. (*****). Ms. L*** eats chalk. **** is my friend to. He is sometimes an @$$.=At dollar dollar. Christmas vacation just ended, man, I had fun,
NOT !! !! !! !!
(the exclamtion points are eyes and he wrote a smiley face under each one)
I was bored but rather be there then here. I have an oral after letters are finished. I hope I don't have to go cause we run out of time. I hate orals. I saw the coolest movie last night. It is called the Matrix. If you don't remember the Matrix and what is be sure to rent it and watch it again. Also if you haven't seen American Pie by now do so. I heard its fabulous and you see lots of different stuff. In my grade everyone is messed up. I hate my school and want to move. **** is also my friend and I told him about Larchmont Temple. that's my hebrew school. Hes from *****. **** that is. I have HS on Tuesdays and Thursdays and my Bar Mitzvah is March 25, 2000. This year! Well I hate writing and I am getting sick of this letter so bye. Oh by the way
SCHOOL SUCKS (crossed out)
Sorry I don't hate school. I just dislike it very, very, very, very,
MUCH!
-Goodbye (in cursive)
Sincerely (in cursive)
BRIAN P**** (with an arrow pointing to the last name saying "thats exactly how dad writes it")

Not now, but I will naturally have to write a response to this letter in the coming days.
Incidentally, I have already written a letter to my younger self (I believe 11 yr old me). I will be sure to post that as well.

ALSO: If you are reading, and were in my middle school and received your letter feel free to type up and post under comments. 7th graders are hilarious. ALSO: We can share the names in person.

Song of the Day: "Smooth" by Santana feat. Rob Thomas (was Billboard's #1 song when I wrote this letter)
Quote of the Day: "Also if you haven't seen American Pie by now do so. I heard its fabulous and you see lots of different stuff." -7th grade b-ri to present b-ri

Goodbye

2010-01-14T12:43:00.001-08:00

Well this is my last post for now. Briaries will return to its regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. I just want to say thanks for the memories.

All this reminiscing makes me want to look back and highlight the best of the decade so far. I'm kind of a trend setter so here is the first best of the new decade list on the scene.

Mayhem at the Movies

2010-01-13T12:12:00.001-08:00

So I need you help team. I had a horrible movie going experience last night when I saw Sherlock Holmes. Besides the movie which I won't be talking about I'm going to try to paint you an accurate picture of what occurred. Actually since I don't have any paint or a brush for that matter I'll just tell you.

So I saw this movie last night at a relatively small theater that has 4 dollar movies on Tuesdays. A group of what I would say to be 15-17 year olds sat behind me. I would say about 6 of them. I was just with one friend. So the whole time before the movie they are chatting it up being a little obnoxious, but it's the trailers so I'm not going to say anything. Then the movie begins.

The entire time the movie played all 2 plus hours they are chatting, giggling, at several times people left the theater and returned a little later. They throw popcorn at each other and were all together the rudest people I have ever encountered. Now the way these people talked and acted I would describe as "thuggish".

About 10 minutes into the movie I turned around and said and I quote "Yo, I don't want to be the guy that shhes you the whole movie, but do you mind." Thinking this to be the only way I could try to tell them to shut up. He said immediately "oh yea sorry bro we'll be quiet". This worked for about 20 minutes. Then the same old shit continued the rest of the movie.

Now I know your sitting at home saying oh I would told them to shut the fuck up or this or that, but it's different when you're actually there in the situation so try and imagine it all.

Now I have been thinking of several options of what I could have done. If I turned around and shhed them or said shut up or be quiet or anything like that I can almost guarantee I would have gotten it more 10 fold. "Yo bro this guy is shhing me he said I should be quiet what an idiot."

Another option I get up and tell one of the theater people hey these people behind me are talking can you tell them to stop. Now when the employees are like 17 years old themselves this is kind of ridiculous. Also it just seems juvenile for me to do that. It's like asking your Mom to talk to the bully to ask him to stop bullying you. The bully is going to say ok I'll stop, but then as soon as they leave just harass you more. Also there were no other viable seats to move to. An option I considered early on.

Another difficulty is that they are sitting behind me which is very awkward and difficult to do anything. You are in a dark theater and to turn around you have a very vulnerable feeling I guess I would say by them sitting behind you.

I would also say maybe if I were with more friends I may have been more comfortable to do something, but I really can't say that for sure because again it's always easier to think about things in hindsight.

So I've come to only 2 possible things that can be done in this situation. One is you get up and leave and talk to the ticket people and demand a refund because the kids behind you won't shut up. This is fine I guess. But in this scenario you have totally lost and have been "bitched out" by fucking morons.

The other possibility and it kind of takes a lot of balls. Is to stand up and act like a total maniac. These kids don't know who you are so you can be anyone. So you can stand up and yell something like "If you don't shut the fuck up I'm going to break all of your fucking jaws so you'll never be able to speak again."

The latter of those options is kind of unrealistic to do, but I can see it being the most effective. Either way I felt totally helpless in this situation and it totally ruined the movie which really wasn't that great to begin with.

Maybe I'm missing something, but that's where you guys come in. What do you do in this situation? Please respond in the comments.

Also lastly I want to add that I was sitting sort of far back in this small theater and just assumed that the people behind us were the last ones in the theater. When the lights came on I realized that there were a bunch of people behind them who didn't say a single word the entire time. What the fuck is that all about?

Quote of the Day: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now shut your mouths or I'll shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding just try me. Try me. Because I would love it! -George from Seinfeld

Movie of the Day: Moon

Song of the Day: "We Belong To The Music" by Miley Cyrus ft. Timbaland

Oh, and here is some other song I heard in a movie once:

Pot Luck Tuesday

2010-01-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

Well brave commentator Andrew called my bluff. I have not seen Leap Year. I am a fraud.

Though on viewing the trailer I would probably give it just 3 Leap Years out of 5 Leap Years.

I've noticed an increased amount of marijuana news as of late and especially today so I've decided to devote todays blog to the sticky subject. That works on 2 levels.

New Jersey's Senate and Assembly has passed a medical marijuana bill that the governor is likely to sign before the end of the week making New Jersey the 14th state to legalize medical marijuana. Those suffering will finally have something to celebrate as it will finally be bearable to live in New Jersey.

Suits in D.C. are considering proposals to decriminalize marijuana in the district. Seems like this will finally allow Abraham Lincoln to get off his big white chair and see the other monuments without the cops hassling him.

San Francisco lawmakers approved a bill to legalize all pot in their city recently. The bill would have the state treat marijuana essentially the same way alcohol is treated. If only they did the same for cereal the Trix rabbit could finally eat his own cereal at the same time preventing those damn kids from enjoying it.

The State of Washington have filed a ballot to legalize all marijuana. It is being sponsored by lawyers in Seattle. This is a great move because we should be getting everyone onto pot and off of the Space Needle.

Quote of the Day: Everyone knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. -Michael from The Office

Stoner Movies of the Day: Dazed and Confused, The Big Lebowski, and Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Song of the Day: "Last Dance with Mary Jane" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Monday Movie Magic

2010-01-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of just stating the obvious here, because we all know what I'll be talking about today as it was such a huge hit at the box office this week. Me and my friends have seen it multiple times. It truly is a remarkable game changing film. I'm talking of course about Leap Year.

I will be talking about key plot points so if you're one of the few people who haven't seen it you may want to skip this post and just come on back tomorrow. Nothing personal.

As we all know according to Irish legend a woman can propose to a man on leap day and the man has to accept. We've all been caught up in that little pickle. So Anna decides to head to Dublin to propose to her boyfriend. Her plane is diverted and she meets another guy and eh I can't do it.

I can't make fun of this seemingly dull and idiotic, but what turned out to be a charming movie. Amy Adams is just a delight. Has there ever been a more enrapturing, adorable, and gracious actress to be on the silver screen. Beautiful cinematography of the Irish country side. Stupendous score. What a story this is! A woman crosses the world to be with her boyfriend, but discovers instead true love in unexpected places. Matthew Goode is a joy to watch as the reluctant driver who takes her across country to bring her to her boyfriend, but instead learns a little about himself and about love. But you know what blogosphere I learned a lot about love and maybe just maybe a little about myself.

I give this movie 5 Leap Years out of 5 Leap Years. Leap Years being the measurement of which I now measure all movies by.

Quote of the Day: We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snow-suit up. -Barney in How I Met Your Mother

Movie of the Day: District 9

Song of the Day: "Series of Dreams" by Bob Dylan

HGTV and The Food Network

2010-01-10T13:06:00.001-08:00

Whoa what a mission night am I right?

I'd like to congratulate all who attempted and all who accomplished with a special shout out to commentators jason, anonymous, and Briaries himself. I would just like to say anonymous you are a coward, but again great job.

Also shout outs to previous comment makers john doe and Steve.

I like to stay topical on my postings so let's talk about the Jets. The New York Jets played yesterday.

Moving on.

Recently cable provider Cablevision pulled both HGTV and Food Network from their lineup. For those afflicted and those who care this has been disastrous. Now some of you out there are reading this and thinking hey I don't watch those networks who gives a hoot. Some people now are shocked that some people still use the word hoot. You probably are sitting there thinking I only watch ESPN, because I'm a big masculine man and sports are great. Football. But slow down cool your jets.

HGTV and the Food Network are collectively the ESPN to mothers nationwide. You've noticed your Mom has been off lately, but you haven't asked why because you're a terrible child. But I'm going to tell you why. They lost their ESPN. I'm calling for you now to take up this fight as your own, because when Cablevision pulls ESPN or some other channel that you watch like LOGO you're going to wish that they were on your side.

"Oh, but Briaries this doesn't affect me." Oh did the civil rights movement affect you directly. Probably not, but you stand up for what is right. So I am calling on all readers to, eh well there's nothing you really can do. You can sign some petition, but Cablevision doesn't really care. They'll just do what they want to do. Pretty easy for them with almost a monopoly on their hands.

Maybe just help your Mom make dinner or knit a sweater or something.

P.S. A great show by the name of Chuck premieres tonight on NBC. Check it out.

Quote of the Day: Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. -Mel Gibson

Movie of the Day: Zombieland

Song of the Day: "Macgruber Theme Song"

Saturday Night Mission Night

2010-01-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I've decided to continue this tradition. For those new to Saturday Night Mission Night I will present you with 3 tasks all of which are your mission to accomplish tonight. Good luck.

1. At a bar or really any place of business when going to pay for an item ask "Do you accept cash here?". 7 at of 10 times it gets a laugh and that's good enough for me, therefore it's good enough for you and if they don't laugh you can just laugh. Cause it's hilarious.

2. Tell a friend you think they are great and that you love them. They will be taken aback, because this isn't often said enough. They will feel quite special and it will make their night. Or it will freak them out a bit. Depends on the tone you tell them with. That's up to you. Actually on that note maybe tell this to someone you're not that close to. You know that person. He/She is in your group of friends. You never really call them to hang out or speak to them outside of your group, but when your group of friends are all together they're there. Give it a shot maybe you'll become closer to them or maybe you'll just push them away more...

3. In conversation at a random moment say "Oh like Robert Downey Jr.'s character in Tim Allen's The Shaggy Dog. This will elicit a couple responses. Some of which will be:

Yes! Exactly like his character. Thank you!

No, nothing like RDJ in The Shaggy Dog are you an idiot?

Oh, I never saw that movie.

I love Tim Allen. Arururur. (Home Improvement grunt)

I didn't care for the remake I prefer the original.

Robert Downey Jr. is in The Shaggy Dog? Really?

The last response will put you in charge of the conversation. This will stop whoever is telling their terrible story and allow you to steer the conversation wherever you want to take it.

And remember everyone the cardinal rule of Saturday Night Mission Night. Accomplish your missions, but have fun doing them. Don't lose sight of that.

Quote of the Day: Did you just growl at opposing counsel? -Judge in The Shaggy Dog

Movie of the Day: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Song of the Day: "Here Comes Your Man" by the Pixies

Signs of the Apocalypse

2010-01-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

Whoa first day first comment!

Congratulations to a Mr. Doe on correctly spelling the word Eulogy, it was a tough one.

We were looking for E-U-L-O-G-Y.

Though because you did not provide your address you will not be receiving the cash prize. Better luck next time.

On to what I will be calling Signs of the Apocalypse:

It was announced today that production on Big Momma's House 3 will begin in mid-April. Martin Lawrence will return to role that made him famous? for playing two unique characters, Malcolm Turner and that's right you guessed it Big Momma. Fingers crossed that this will be in 3D and that she will be able to take out a loan on her new House.

Rumors abound that NBC will be moving Jay Leno back to 1130 for a half hour show, then have Conan on at 12, and Fallon on at 1.

You cannot be serious NBC.-John McEnroe

When has Jay Leno ever been funny. Jaywalking? Great, America is filled with idiots. Thanks for opening our eyes Jay. I think Leno should retire and become a DJay. See what I did Jay. I made what's called a joke or more accurately a pun. Either way something you haven't done in years.

Obama may be pushing the premiere of Lost, because of his State of the Union speech. This is outrageous. The other option is pushing the premiere of American Idol. Spoiler alert: I know what happens this year on American Idol. People sing and at first in the tryouts some people are bad, laughably bad, but then they show good people and some charming young man or woman wins the heart of America. Rinse and repeat year after year. Okay that's fine, but American Idol fans can wait a week. I don't think Lost fans can wait any much longer. Get your shit together Obama, President Bush would never have pushed the Lost premiere. He would have invaded it. Oh snap Politics!

UPDATE

Well that's today in Signs of the Apocalypse. You may notice that they are all Movie or Television related well this is because.

Please come back tomorrow for Saturday Night Mission Night.

Quote of the Day: I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses -hot. Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown -Andy from The Office

Movie of the Day: The Hurt Locker

Song of the Day: "I Am a Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel aka S-man and G-funk

Guest Blogging: The Future of Blogging

2010-01-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

Guestblogging for briaries, wow what an honor. Briaries all came into our lives and really gave us something to live for in these tough times and for that I want to say thank you to Briaries and we all wish you luck on the mysterious, expensive, and experimental surgery you had to leave the continental United States for.

Now to answer the tough trivia questions from yesterday.

If someone told you a fact, and you did not believe it. Where do you go for information before the internet existed?
The library.
If you got in a car accident, and needed help. How did you call for help before cell phones?
Yelling really loudly or a road side phone.
If you were driving somewhere, and had no idea how to get there. What did you do before mapquest or google maps?

A regular map.

Last night I found myself watching The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien as I often find myself doing and discovered a bright new up and coming artist by the name of Ke$ha, with a dollar sign where the s should go. She already has a number one song in 4 countries with Tik Tok and if people think music is dead they have not heard this song or understand my sarcasm. Now I really wanted to learn more about Ke$ha's, with a dollar sign where the s should go, hit song Tik Tok so I looked up the lyrics. I just have a few responses.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
I'm sorry no one knows what it's like to feel like P Diddy. The man is an American Legend. I've heard he has parties where you have to wear white and then I heard he makes you eat spaghetti. You get sauce on you he kicks you out of the party.

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Jack Daniels is detrimental to your oral hygiene, but hey Ke$ha with a dollar sign for the s never said she was a role model... or a dental hygienist.

And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
First of all do you even know who Mick Jagger is and second of all have you seen what Mick Jagger looks like lately. I mean the man's in good shape, but this your type?

I'm thinking of introducing a new feature for this week, a spelling contest. You can try to guess the answer in the comments or just play along at home. I will be providing the answer tomorrow. The first word is:

Eulogy

Good luck everybody.

Quotes of the Day: Hey Josh, do you want to blog for me for a week?-Briaries

Movie of the Day: Big Fan

Song of the Day: "White Feather" by Wolfmother

How did they live!?

2010-01-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

Some things to think about:

If someone told you a fact, and you did not believe it. Where do you go for information before the internet existed?

If you got in a car accident, and needed help. How did you call for help before cell phones?

If you were driving somewhere, and had no idea how to get there. What did you do before mapquest or google maps?

It's crazy.

For the next week, briaries will have a guest blogger posting daily. He is probably a funnier blogger than me, so check it out and enjoy.

Quotes of the Day: "What if the fire escape catches on fire?" and "Why are ghosts constantly booing me?" -Questlove of The Roots, on Late Night w/ Jimmy Fallon, in the segment Quest-ions
Song of the Day: "Had It All" by Katharine McPhee

If only...

2010-01-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

My 5 Favorite Question Words:

1. Why?
2. How?
3. Where?
4. What?
5. When?

My 5 Favorite Answers To The Above Question Words:

1. Because ice cream is good for you.
2. You just lay down, I'll take care of the rest.
3. In the freezer, I put the bottle of Patron in the freezer.
4. You just won 10 million dollars!
5. I'm kidding, you never need to do chores around the house.

Quotes of the Day: "Dr. Coxy is hella foxy" -Turk, in Scrubs after losing to Dr. Cox and "Toot, toot, tootie, Dr. Turk is a cutie" -Dr. Cox, in Scrubs after losing to Turk
Song of the Day: "Thick As A Brick" by Jethro Tull

JETS Jokes!!!

2010-01-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

My Weekly TV Review will resume next week as a bunch of shows start up again this week and next.

Well the New York Jets made it to the playoffs last night, and although I was originally going to be happy for them, everything has changed. I knew, as a New York Giants fan, that I would not hear the end of it and a few texts and IM's later, followed by the last straw- a facebook wall post- I have been utterly inspired.

Jets Jokes:

JETS stands for "Just End The Season."

Wanna hear a joke? The New York Jets. They're a joke!

Why do Jets fans constantly cheer "J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!?"
It makes more sense than cheering "W-I-N, Win! Win! Win!"

Mark Sanchez's 2009 QB rating is almost as high as his 5-yr contract.

Mark Sanchez took a rape awareness class at USC. This was to prepare him for playing for the New York Jets.

Mark Sanchez threw 12 touchdown passes compared to 20 interceptions and 10 fumbles.

Rex Ryan created a secret code between him and Mark Sanchez to help the rookie out. No one knows what the code was, but it had something to do with tacos.

Rex Ryan gets very emotional during games. This is because they continually air Burger King commercials on the scoreboard during the games. Rex Ryan likes to believe he is the burger king.

Mark Sanchez won the starting QB job over Kellen Clemens during pre-season. It was like watching gay porn. A lot of sucking and if you are watching you must be a Jets fan.

Mark Sanchez, in an interview after signing with the Jets, was asked "How does it feel to be a Jet?" He responded, "We're going to take those Sharks down!"

The Jets brought in Joe Girardi to help teach Mark Sanchez how to slide. When Mark Sanchez saw a different jersey, he immediately threw the ball to him.

After the mistake, Sanchez swore to be more careful with the football. During their brief 10 minute session, Joe Girardi recorded 4 interceptions and 2 fumble recoveries.

Well, that's all for now.

Song of the Day: "You Found Me" by The Fray
Quote of the Day: "I won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister." -Hank Moody, in Californication

Stop It.

2010-01-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

For those who do not know, my old blog was entitled "Stop It" (brianthemaster.blogspot.com) and I would find things that I think need to be stopped and write about it. I thought I covered everything, but alas here we go.

People who correct others when they say "I am good" instead of "I am well"...stop it. First of all, don't be that guy. You know what was meant, you don't need to go out of your way to be a tool. Stop it. Now, for those who are not as awesome at grammer as I am let me throw out this little explanation. (I spelled grammar wrong on purpose...what uuuuuuppp!?)

Saying "I am good" is actually perfectly acceptable. The problem is that "good" is an adjective and "well" is an adverb. Therefore, as an adverb (for those who do not know), "well" modifies a verb. So people think that it should be I am well because it is modifying the verb "to be" (am). The verb "to be" is what us in the business call a "linking verb" rather than an "action verb." Action verbs are modified by adverbs, such as well, while a linking verb isn't so much about the action as it is about connecting two words. He feels sick. Feel in this sense would be a linking verb, not an action verb. So you can say he feels sick. He feels good. He is good. I am good. Now, with that being said it is improper to say I write good. Write is an action verb and therefore needs to be modified by an adverb (well) rather than an adjective (good). However, I believe that the word "good" should be allowed to be used as an adverb even if it does not sound good. If a mistake occurs more common than the correct way, then maybe the wrong way should be correct. I'm not saying that we should stop people getting arrested for stealing by making stealing legal, but more like if everyone wants coffee at 5 a.m. then the store should be opened at 5 a.m. even if it is inconvenient for the few that believe coffee should not be drank until 7 a.m. (it's an analogy). Anyway, I digress, the grammar rules are what they are.

Needless to say, those who correct others on their grammar when speaking are tools. No one cares. We live in a world where grammar is pretty much dead. The english language has pretty much been slaughtered by "lol's" and "2nites" and "c u l8r." People text rather than speak. So don't waste your time being a tool and correcting people's grammar, because nowadays it doesn't make you sound smart, it makes you sound behind the times and again like a tool...so stop it.

l8r peeps. im out. ima stop at *$ and by some coff-e. mayb l8r i can get some I&I b4 i fall asleep. c u 2morro.

Song of the Day: "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop
Quote of the Day: "I write good." -briaries

Saturday Night Mission Night

2010-01-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

This mission will have 3 tasks.

1. Get drunk before 6 p.m.
2. Drunk dial or drunk text someone you haven't spoken to in over 6 months.
3. Listen to the song "Keep It Going Louder" by Major Lazer ft. Tony Blaze and Nina Sky and introduce it to someone else. (Note: song was found on thebrooklynnight.blogspot.com, it's a pretty sweet site mostly about music and the happenings of Brooklyn (my birthplace)...check it out.)

Enjoy the mission, I know I will. (Oh, if you are reading this and have not spoken to me in 6 months, be ready!)

Song of the Day: "I Gotta Feeling" by Black-Eyed Peas
Quote of the Day: "Things are only impossible until they're not." -Captain Jean-Luc Picard, in Star Trek: The Next Generation

Letters!

2010-01-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

Letters!!!!

In this, my newest of ideas, I am going to write encouragement letters to people, places, and things.

Dear briaries,

I love the posts about your social experiment. I literally sit by my computer all day on Thursdays just waiting for my neat igoogle app to update me with one of your new blog posts. I am writing a letter, and I usually don't write letters. You have inspired me, briaries, with your witty Tiger Woods joke all the way to making fun of MTV's Jersey Shore in your hit "Alphabet Soup." That show is stupid. I look forward to more briaries, you are the reason I wake up in the morning.

Love,

briaries

Dear New Cast of The Real World,

Your religious issues have really dug down deep into the root of conflict in our country and others and have really got the American people thinking about acceptance of others and their beliefs. None of you sounded like you were just talking to talk and had no clue what you really were talking about. You all sounded like smart, educated adults having a unique discussion about God and not like drunken idiots who were trying to say anything to get some screen time. Keep it up, New Cast of The Real World, we love what you bring to our Nation's capital.

Love,

briaries

Dear the Year 2009,

You were a great year. From the over 3.6 million jobs lost to ruining the name of the greatest athlete in the world (Tiger Woods) you have made sure to show us that life just 'aint fair. You gave us Avatar in IMAX and 3D and another huge blockbuster in 2012 (whatever that movie was about). Throughout your tenure as The Year It Is, you dropped our expectations of our new President from change and prosperity to ehh doing what he can? You introduced us to the likes Mike "The Situation," Taylor Lautner's abs, Twitter, and Apps . You took from us Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and any reason for personal social interaction. You did it 2009, you destroyed the spirit of the American people while at the same solving the destroyed spirit problem by attempting to make us a hermit society who exists entirely in cyber-space. Nice work.

Love,

briaries

Song of the Day: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson
Quote of the Day: "You're a pork chop Kaiser Sose!" -Turk to Denise, in Scrubs, on the twist she performed in stealing his pork chop

"Social Experiment: Part Four"

2009-12-31T10:45:00.001-08:00

Here is the latest in my ongoing Social Experiment.

"Social Experiment: Part Four"

Here is the continued documentation of my ongoing social experiment.

-How To Catch Someone In A Lie:
Ever think someone is lying to you, and you just are not sure how to call them out on it. Well here is your guide to doing just so.
1. Ask Questions. And ask a lot of them. The more questions you ask the more they have to lie. It is a good test, if they are telling the truth they will be able to answer questions easily. If it gets more and more ridiculous then you know they are just a liar. However, if they read Social Experiment: Part Two, then they will easily be able to maneuver away from this ploy.
2. The Liar Cough. Ever hear the phrase, "it's so crazy, it just might work?" Well, that is what I think about this one. If you think someone is telling a lie then just discreetly cough and say the word liar at the same time. They will hear you say liar, but you can argue it is a cough. They will now know that you know they are a liar and will probably cut the bullshit rather than to try and get out of it and argue. In their mind they will be saying to themselves, "I can't believe I just got liar coughed, I need to read Social Experiment: Part Two and learn how to get people to believe what I'm saying."
3. Reciprocate. Think someone is lying? Tell them an equal lie right back in the middle of their story. For example, if someone is telling you they drank 30 beers in a night, and you know that it cannot be true. Stop them and say, "I drank 30 beers last night, too, and I didn't even get drunk." In telling an equal lie, with a little twist, they will realize that they are not going to get anything by you and will probably tell you the truth rather than exagerate. This works especially good for the exaggerated lie, as it can bring your assailant back to earth. If you are not a good liar and are not sure how to reciprocate then check out Social Experiment: Part Two for more information.
4. Walk Away. This is not as subtle as the Liar Cough, but is still pretty effective. As you begin to realize a lie is being sent your way, simply say nothing and turn and walk away. Do not acknowledge anything your assailant says for at least 2 full minutes to ensure they are not going to try and convince of what they are saying is true. The walk away is the most effective way to not hear a lie, although it could ruin a conversation in a social situation. This method is for someone who has no interest in playing along and is recommended only for extenuating circumstances. WARNING: Do Not Abuse the use of the walk away. I cannot stress this enough, this move is for professionals only. If you have not read Social Experiment: Part Two or any of my other installments DO NOT ATTEMPT THE WALK AWAY. It could lead to a complete social breakdown and friends and loved ones could be lost.

That's all for now. Enjoy catching people in a lie and stop yourself from getting duped. If you do not want to be the dupee, you should be well on your way. If you'd like to be the duper, then check out Social Experiment: Part Two. You'll be duping dupees in no time.

Quote of the Day: "Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?" JD, to Alex, his new girlfriend, on the TV show Scrubs, on them finally sleeping together
Song of the Day: "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega

New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

Note: the fantasy page may have been confusing, I will update and make it clearer, but please try and participate.

Most people make New Year's Resolution TO NOT do something for a year. I decided to pick up some habits for the upcoming year.

My New Year's Resolutions

1. Go to Starbucks and buy coffee. Make it a routine.
2. Buy a pack of Marlboro Reds. Get addicted.
3. Cut down on soda. Let me clarify. Cut down on soda restrictions.
4. Stop reading words entirely all together. Attempt to become illiterate.
5. jksafnmpm saodmas d aopsmd .
6. That last one was a joke stemming from #4.
7. Come up with a new curse word. Use it as often as possible.
8. Try something new. Again, let me clarify. Try something new that is detrimental to my health.
9. Exercise more. Clarification: Exercise my right to be lazy more.

That should do it. I'll be dead by 2012, but then again, so will everybody else.

Song of the Day: "New Slang" by The Shins
Quote of the Day: "I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it." -JD, in the first season of Scrubs

FANTASY!!!

2009-12-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

Fantasy Fantasy

Love fantasy sports? Want more? Here is my new Fantasy game.

Your team will consist of the following: Yourself, 1 Day of the Week, 1 Food Item, and 1 Joke.

Each week you can choose a new team.

Example:

Team Briaries

B-ri
Saturday
Pizza
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
(He had no BODY to dance with)

Stat categories are different for each member of your team.
(Note: Strong reliance on the honor system)

Yourself: For every time you check briaries.blogspot.com you receive 1 point (max: once a day). Every time you complete a task on Saturday Night Mission Night you receive 3 points. For every time you post a comment on a blog post you receive 2 points (max: once per post). For every time you listen to the "Song of the Day" you receive 1 point (limit 1 per song)

Day of the Week: On this day you will receive 1 point for every alcoholic beverage consumed. You will receive 1/2 point for every hour not spent sleeping (12 a.m. to 12 a.m.). If you eat your chosen food on this day you will receive 5 points. If you watch an episode of Scrubs on this day you will receive 10 bonus points.

Food Item: It can be a snack or a meal. You will receive 3 points every time you eat this item (max: twice a day). (Note: If you choose jelly beans, you do not get 3 per jelly bean...you get 3 for eating jelly beans. If you choose pizza, it is not 3 per slice. It is 3 for getting pizza. etc..) If you eat this item on your chosen day you get 5 bonus points (see above). If you get someone else to eat this item with you then you receive 2 points per person. 1 point for every time you can work this food item into a joke on a blog comment on briaries.blogspot.com.

Joke: You will receive 1 point for every person you tell this joke to. You will receive 5 bonus points if the joke includes your chosen food item (you can post it on a blog comment once for an extra point as well). You will receive 2 points for every person who comes to the Fantasy Post on briaries.blogspot.com and writes the joke under comments.

Hope it doesn't come off as too complicated. At the beginning of each week (SUNDAY) you will post your team. On the next SUNDAY you can post results (I will do the point add up.) The winner each week will get a special blog post in their honor that week. Here is an example of what to post under comments:

TEAM BRIARIES

B-ri: 7 "briaries" visits, 3 Tasks, 5 comments, 6 Song of the Day
Saturday: 12 beers, 2 shots, 14 hours not sleeping, Ate Pizza, Watched Scrubs
Pizza: 4 Times, 4 people joined
Joke: 10 people, 2 People posted joke under comments

MY TOTAL: 102 points
(You do not need to calculate your total, I will do that)

So quick sum up, on Sunday pick the most recent post and under "comments" post your previous weeks results and your next weeks team. Good Luck!

(I understand today is Tuesday, you can post anytime this week and start fantasizing. On Sunday I need results and team for next week when we will start the full week extravaganza. This "short" week is a trial run.)

Song of the Day: "Love Hurts" by Incubus
Quote of the Day: "The tooth. The whole tooth. And nothing but the tooth." -A movie poster featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson with wings and wearing ice skates

My Weekly TV Review

2009-12-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

Not much TV on this week, but, oh wait, CHRISTMAS!!!

So here is my Weekly TV review.

1. A Christmas Story Marathon on TBS: Does Ralphie beating the crap out of Scut Farkas ever get old?

2. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer: How many people wish they were a misfit after watching this Christmas classic?

3. The Yule Log: Who needs a fire place?

4. Die Hard: Did anyone else forget this is technically a Christmas movie?

5. A Charlie Brown Christmas: How heartwarming is the song "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing"?

Hope everyone had a sweet holiday.

Song of the Day: "Keep It Going Louder" by Major Lazer

Quote of the Day: "I got the girls in the truck, 'bout 6 chicks deep, and you know if we rolling then its straight sexy." -Major Lazer, in the song "Keep It Going Louder"

A Look Back: 2009

2009-12-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

As New Year's approaches I decided to take a look back on the year 2009.

- I became a college graduate.
- I drank over 2,500 beers.
- I watched over 730 episodes of Scrubs.
- Ate over 460 slices of pizza.
- Sent over 10,000 text messages.
- Added over 100 numbers into my phone.
- Told over 940 jokes.
- Made people laugh over 3,000 times.
- Made myself laugh over 30, 000 times.
- Listened to over 5, 450 songs.
- Went to the bathroom over 1,825 times.
- Read 3 books.
- Spent over 3,000 hours sleeping (over 125 days (about 1/3 of the year)).
- Drove over 12,000 miles.
- Posted on a blog 53 (about to be 54) times.
- Watched the Yankees win the World Series once.
- Won 2 rugby tournaments.
- Gave over 3,000 high fives.
- Won Monopoly over 9 times.
- Won Spades over 100 times.
- Won over 150 games of beer pong.
- Was hungover over 300 times.

Awesome year.

In a few days, it will turn 2010. I will attempt (and hopefully succeed) to document everything I do, everyday. Then next year I will have the actual numbers opposed to estimates.

Song of the Day: "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus
Quote of the Day: "I can't wait...to see you again." -Miley Cyrus, in her hit song "See You Again"

Saturday Night Mission Night

2009-12-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night Game Night!

Another Mission Night for everyone, but first a quick note.

Note: Posts have been scattered and not completed to their full potential due to holidays and vacation. I will be back up to speed ASAP, I hope you continue to keep reading, even during the rough patches.

Mission Night:

Tonight's mission will contain 3 Tasks. I have gotten the tasks from a Heineken coaster I bartered from a friend.

1. Sometime tonight say, "this rounds on me."
2. Create your own happy hour. (to specify, pick an hour and drink solidly throughout with a big smile the entire time.)
3. While typing a text message to someone, say it out loud in front of someone who does not know anything about the particular text message. Do this three times. When asked who you are texting or what about, reply with "mind your own business, don't be rude."

The first two are from the coaster, you should drink a Heineken during the happy hour. The last one is something I did the other night. It was hilarious. Good Luck!!!

Song of the Day: "You Found Me" by The Fray (because I sang it like 10 times today on my new karaoke game)
Quote of the Day: "Look, all I'm saying is, there's more to healing than what's in the books. I talk to my patients, I sing to them...ask them what their hobbies are and tell them ghost stories about an old sea captain." -JD, in Scrubs, to Elliot about why he is a better doctor than her

"Social Experiment: Part Three"

2009-12-24T14:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry, no post yesterday..whatevss.

"Social Experiment: Part Three"

Here is the continued documentation of my ongoing social experiment.

-How to earn respect from your peers:
1. Dress to Impress. It is as easy as it sounds. Look fresh to death, and everyone around you will be talking. Even in situations that require no formal wear, dress to impress nonetheless and the rest will think you're the best.
2. Take Home the Fattest Chick In A Bar. Whoa, a curve ball with this one, but here is the truth. As much as people will make fun of you afterward, you are the one who took home a chick. You will be able to handle all of the abuse because hey, you just got laid and you were hammered (you will need to be to go through with this one.) This will lead to mucho respecto from your amigos, even if it is embarrassingo.
3. Buy a Round. When they say money can't buy you respect, hell, they aint ever been to Vegas. Or for that matter, any bar. If you buy a round at the bar anyone who has that shot will love you for the rest of the night. And probably well after that. Buying a drink for someone at the bar is a sacred thing, and a connection is made that is unlike no other. This is why us fellas always buy drinks for girls at a bar, to make a connection (not to get her drunk enough to follow you home). So if you want respect from everyone around, buy one (a round).
4. Respect others. If you let people know that you respect them, then much respect your way. For example, if I say to you "hey, your the man." They will most likely come back with "No, your the man." Your response should be "You're right." Now they know that you know that you are the man and the respect is there. The more people you show love and respect, the more that is coming back in return. So lend a hand, become a fan, command the room and demand that you in fact, are da man.

I went with some cool sayings there to help you remember how to command respect from everyone around. Respect in social situations is important. Get people to laugh with you over a drunken encounter, or bro out, or just make yourself come off as a wholesome awesome person, and you will be a social pro in no time.

Song of the Day: "Beautiful" by Akon
Quote of the Day: "You're ganna shoot your eye out kid" -Santa Claus, in A Christmas Story, referring to Ralphie wanting a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas

Alphabet Soup

2009-12-22T19:28:00.001-08:00

Another round of Alphabet Soup (Tuesday make-up)

I will choose a topic and then go through it alphabetically.

Topic: Avatar

A Walk To Remember boring
B ook club meeting boring
C aring for old people boring
D VRing Opera boring
E nding the night alone boring
F ish Fillet from McDonalds boring
G oing to see Avatar boring
H aving nothing to do boring
I nteresting, but boring
J am sandwich with no peanut butter boring
K eeping up with episodes of The Ghost Whisper boring
L ove Actually boring
M urder, She Wrote boring
N ot able to pay attention in class because it is so boring boring
O ne shot at a bar boring
P ersian Rug shopping boring
Q uitting your job through e-mail boring
R unning on the treadmill boring
S miling for the camera boring
T rivia without alcohol involved boring
U mbrellas in the rain boring
V isually stunning yet still incredibly boring boring
W hy do people like IMAX and 3D boring
X -Men Origins: Wolverine boring
Y ielding for oncoming traffic boring
Z ebra's without lion's chasing them boring

Song of the Day: "Love Hurts" by Incubus
Quote of the Day: "Merry Christmas" -Santa Claus, after saying "Ho, Ho, Ho"

Mad Libs

2009-12-21T13:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry, no post last night and no television post this week.

Here is a mad lib. Fill in the numbered blanks with a word described on the bottom. Then read the hilarious story.

Mad Libs

One day there was a ___1____ boy. He lived in ____2______ forest. Sometimes this boy liked to ______3_____. On this particular day, it was very ______4_____ out. Because of this it was hard to see ______5_____. The police set up road blockades on ____6_____ Avenue. They did not want any ______7______ to get through. There were rumors that werewolves were living in the area. They were ______8____ and _____9_____ werewolves that like to eat _______10________. So the _____11_____ boy snuck by the road blockade and entered the forest that he called his home. After __12____ minutes he ran into a ____13_____ werewolf. He ___14_____ the werewolf and they lived happily ever after.

10 years later the werewolf and the boy made a movie about their exploits. The movie was called _____15____ ____16_____ ____17_____ and was very successful in the box office. The sequel comes out next year and stars ______18_____ and _____19_______.

Fill-Ins

1. Adjective:
2. Adjective:
3. Verb:
4. Adjective:
5. Plural Noun:
6. Porn Star First Name:
7. Noun:
8. Adjective:
9. Adjective:
10. Noun:
11. Adjective:
12. Number:
13. Adjective:
14. Past Tense Verb:
15. Verb
16. Adjective
17. Noun
18. Actor Name:
19. Actress Name:

Song of the Day: "Blood" by Band of Skulls
Quote of the Day: "Live every week like it's shark week." -Tracy Morgan, on the hit show 30 Rock

Your mission, if you choose to accept it

2009-12-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night Game Night!

Mission Night:

Tonight there will be five tasks to be completed for your mission.
1. Nod your head like yea. I'm not kidding. You will listen somehow, someway to the song "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus and you will nod your like yea, moving your hips like yea.
2. Pray Drew Brees has an unsuccessful evening, but the Saints still win. It is important for the Cowboys to lose, but as I am against Drew Brees in fantasy playoffs this week you must say a little prayer for me and root hardcore that the saints defense and rushing game and special teams. (I will take Cowboys losing over Drew Brees blowing up, but still praying for the best of both worlds (Miley shout out))
3. Drink a Heineken or Heineken Light. It's just a good beer.
4. Ask a complete stranger if they have ever heard of the movie Hook. No matter their response say, "I thought so."
5. When leaving your friends for the evening, Vulcan Salute followed by the classic "Live long and prosper." Make sure to have a dead serious face.

Good Luck!

Song of the Day: "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie
Quote of the Day: "We're in the Nazi killing business. And business is a boomin." -Aldo "the Apache" Raine, in the movie Inglorious Basterds

How To Be Successful At Solitaire

2009-12-18T18:08:00.001-08:00

I was going to write some more jokes. The biggest joke was me trying to write jokes. So I will leave you with something I wrote last year. (This piece will continue the progression of turning me into someone you can in no way, shape, or form trust. It was written solely for comedic purposes and does not reflect my character in any way, shape, or form.)

How To Be Successful At Solitaire

Well, it has come to my attention that not everyone is as good at games as I am. I’m a winner and winning is what I do. Not everyone can be a winner when playing multiplayer games. Team games have been invented to try to produce a more efficient outcome (more winners) in gaming situations. However, there is one game that can result in everyone being a winner. This game is solitaire.

So you have a deck of cards and boredom has set in. No one else is around; it’s a beautiful evening. It is time to play some solitaire. Solitaire is the one of the easiest, challenging games ever. It can be hard, but it should be impossible to lose. I can hear the gasps now. Everyone thinking in their heads, “hey I’ve lost at solitaire before,” or “what are you talking about Brian, it is possible to lose.” Well clearly you have not read this analysis. The key to always winning at solitaire is simple: cheat.

Cheating in games is one of the best ways to get ahead. You see it everywhere in the real world and on television. Businessmen cheat for money and boyfriends cheat on girlfriends and vice versa. Cheating is a very important concept in the world of gaming. Have you ever won a video game because you used cheat codes? Its fantastic and although some can argue a false sense of accomplishment, if you feel like a winner, you are a winner. There is however one, and only one downside to cheating: getting caught.

Getting caught cheating is one of the most humiliating things that can happen. Be it by your teacher on that Geography quiz last week because you didn’t know where Tasmania was or by your girlfriend at the carnival while you were macking it to her suite mate on the Ferris wheel, it is just downright terrible. This is why solitaire is so great. Cheat, cheat, cheat. You can’t get caught. You can only get caught by yourself, but you will be so happy about winning the game you will not even care.

So if you want to win at solitaire- cheat. It can be as simple as switching a card here or there or simply changing the rules of the game slightly in your favor. If you can find a way to cheat and not get caught in other games- go for it. I cheat all the time. Whether it be double dropping in Connect Four, removing my battleship from Battleship, stealing money in Monopoly (easiest when banker), holding onto extra letters in Scrabble, bottom dealing cards in Poker, look at other peoples paper in Boggle, changing positions of pieces in Chess, giving my opponent the broken controller in Halo, using my hands in Hungry Hungry Hippos, weighted dice in Yahtzee, or mouthing answers to my partner in Cranium- I am and always will be a winner.

(Note: Although I have clearly stated this does not truly reflect my character, in the spirit of honesty, I do, in fact, cheat at solitaire. I do not cheat elsewhere. I do not need to. Like as stated above, I am a winner. I do not need to cheat to win. Except in solitaire.)

Song of the Day: "Mother We Just Can't Get Enough" by The New Radicals

Quote of the Day: "I hate 3D and IMAX. I will never go see another 3d or Imax movie again." -B-ri (me), after watching Avatar on IMAX and 3D (I also now get why they capitalize IMAX, "Imax" just doesn't cut it)

"Social Experiment: Part Two"

2009-12-17T16:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry, no post yesterday..whatevss.

"Social Experiment: Part Two"

Here is the continued documentation of my ongoing social experiment.

-How to get someone to believe...anything:
That is right, folks, most people are more gullible then they will lead you to believe. In my experiences, getting people to believe ridiculous things is 92% effective when closely following these steps.
1. Commit. Once you find yourself in a situation where you are lying, you must immediately make a decision. It is much like poker. You do not just bet small and call when you know you are beat, you either fold or you go big for the bluff. If you are not willing to go all-in to sell your bluff, then get out. Once you commit to your lie and decide to go all in you will be fully able to proceed to the next steps to get people to believe...anything.
2. Digress. As you are explaining something that you know is not true, but want your victim to believe you must digress. Get off topic during the explanation to make it seem like fluid thoughts, not something you are making up on the spot. For example, the other night I was explaining to someone how an ambulance got its name. I was trying to make him believe it is from medieval times where jousters would use their "lance" and when they hurt their arms they had to use their other ones, thus making them "ambi"dextrous. The carts used to bring the losers away were called "ambulances." During my explanation I started talking about the movie A Knights Tale among other things. Since I digressed it was hard for my victim to think to thoroughly about the ridiculousness of my fabricated story and he now believes that is how ambulances got their name. (the term ambulance is actually from the latin word ambulare meaning to walk or move about)
3. Ask questions. "You never heard about this?" Among others exclamatory questions, this is a good ploy to act surprised and make it seem like common knowledge. You can go the other route and ask questions like "You want to hear a fun fact?" This makes it seem like it is something you know and enjoy sharing with people because it is interesting. Ending with "Interesting, right?" is a great move to. Make them admit they believe it and they will. If your are lying about something you did, you can use this question method as well. "Why would I do that?" These type of questions allow for you to put them on the spot instead of you and thus creating the illusion that you are right and they are wrong. When they find themselves fumbling for answers to your questions you can swoop in and take them out with your story that you have fully committed to using digressions to seal the deal.
4. Partner up. This is very good for beginners. If you can get someone to join in and confirm the lie and go along with it, and possibly even come up with some material, it should be easy to convince someone of anything. Down the road you will want to be able to fly solo so that instead of using someone to help you, you can convince multiple people of whatever you want, but partnering up is a solid move, especially for first-timers.

So get out there, make some stuff up and remember...commit. You will get people believing every word you say in no time. When you hear someone telling another the lie that you told them, you know you have become a master.

(Note: I understand this post will pretty much lose me credibility with every word I speak, however, it is an advanced dynamic to my social experiment.)

Song of the Day: "Run" by Gnarls Barkley
Quote of the Day: "Let's get Avatarded in here" -Jimmy Fallon

Alphabet Soup

2009-12-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

I wrote poems (ugh) last Tuesday as my most unfavorite post thus far, which is going to happen. Decided to continue the Tuesday theme of creative writing, however.

Alphabet Soup

In this peice, possibly reocurring, I will pick a topic and go through it alphabetically. Enjoy!

Topic: MTV's Jersey Shore

A nnoyingly stupid

B ring It On: In It to Win It stupid

C elebrity gossip stupid

D ish network stupid

E vil Villain stupid

F ucking stupid

G eorge W. Bush stupid

H ammer-to-the-thumb stupid

I diots guide to stupid

J urassic Park's idea to recreate the tyranasaurus rex stupid

K imber from Nip/Tuck stupid

L ady GaGa's outfits stupid

M iles and miles and miles of stupid

N ever not stupid

O wning a blackberry stupid

P laxico Burress stupid

Q uickly becoming more and more stupid

R ichard Heene Stupid

S --ahh can't think of one for this letter.

T oupee stupid

U nfortunatley popular stupid

V oldemort thinking he can kill Harry stupid

W ile E. Coyote stupid

X -factor contestants stupid

Y odeling on a glacier stupid

Z o ztupid I forgot to laugh stupid

Song of the Day: "Electric Feel" by MGMT
Quote of the Day: "I'm sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. She's looking like a rock scientist." -Tara Reid (old quote, but fits with whole stupid thing)

My Weekly TV Review

2009-12-14T18:45:00.000-08:00

My Top 5 TV Shows of the Week:

1. Dexter: Say whaaaaaaaat!!!???

2. Community: How fun can a show get?

3. Modern Family: Didn't you think an episode about christmas almost getting cancelled would be depressing and not absolutley hilarious?

4. Californication: Is Hank Moody a ticking time bomb, or does he just like to bang?

5. Glee: How cool was that final dance scene which paid homage to a great inaugural season of what could be a bit of a revolutionary show?

Honorary Mention: Scrubs (that is how good TV was this week (finales)), The Office, Friday Night Lights

Song of the Day: "Rocket Man" by Elton John

Quote of the Day: "Destination: Horror." -Sue Sylvestor, to Shuster on fall finale of Glee

Last Night

2009-12-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

Made some memories last night, allow me to share:

Upon getting carded I did wink at the bouncer and say "Doesn't he look adorable?"...Twice. Very funny responses. Response 1: "Haha this guy?" Response 2: "Yea, yea" as he motioned me inside

I was waiting with a friend while they smoked a cigarette outside and a mini-van was driving by honking with a rabbi and a girl inside yelling happy chanukah and asking if people were jewish. I went over and wished them a happy chanukah and they were like "We have gelt!" and I was like "You have gelt?" and he looks at me, dead straight and goes "We are Jews. We have the gelt."

I met a girl from Hawaii at a bar. I am going to Hawaii in January. I spent the remainder of my night asking her about Hawaii and got lots of important information. During conversation I was able to flash my charm and hilarity with questions such as "Where can I get leid?" and "How do locals feel about me wearing Hawaiin shirts? Should I bring my own from here or is that tacky, should I buy a Hawaiin shirt there?" She asked if I was going to take a hike, so I walked away. I think we spent 10 minutes going back and forth her trying to teach me how to say Hawai'i the proper way.

I found a blowhorn in the bar and a friend of mine (who ditched me later in the night) decided to blow it in the bar as much as possible. We found out it belonged to a group of three girls. One was dressed as a reindeer. The other looked like a mermaid. The last was a lesbian. So I came up with this start to a joke: "A mermaid, a reindeer, and a lesbian walk into a bar." I will continue the joke on another day. I will try to come up with different ways to go with it. If you have any ideas feel free to post joke under comments.

Song of the Day: "Walking On A Dream" by Empire of the Sun

Quote of the Day: ""He spent his life killing innocent people, but he can't kill bambi!?" -Dexter, about John Lithgow's character, in the hit show Dexter, whose finale airs tonight on Showtime at 9 pm eastern.

Mission Imimpossible

2009-12-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night Game Night!!!

I have, every now and then, had a Saturday Night Mission Night with a friend. I send him tasks throughout the night, via text, and he needs to accomplish as many tasks as possible. I will play tonight and possibly document my experiences tomorrow. I encourage anyone who reads this to do the same.

Mission Night:

Tonight there will be three tasks to be completed for your mission.

1. 3 tequila shots. Each in a different hour of the night. Each with a different person.

2. Ask for a phone number (do not need to be successful) from a blonde girl, about 5'8" and wearing jeans.

3. If you encounter a bouncer, when he looks at your id repeat this phrase and then give him a wink- "Isn't he just adorable?"

Good Luck!

Song of the Day: "Manos Al Aire" by Nelly Furtado

Quote of the Day: "Yea you like you'd have to. I'm not surprised you said that." -Joel McHales character in Community (Jeff) to his spanish teacher upon being told his Spanish teacher was very good at pleasuring his hot wife

Ok, jokes or Ok jokes

2009-12-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

Jokes! (literally starting to type and hoping something comes to me)

I ran into a friend of mine the other day that I hadn't seen in a while. That's why I ran into him, I didn't see him.

A guy pulled over while I was walking my dog and asked for directions. I told him to "get lost." He was.

Is it possible to eat a whole bagel? What about a bagel hole?

Vampires are so in right now that I am out of jokes about them.

Nevermind. Vampire jokes are easy. What is pale, old, and sleeps during the day?

Old people!

Would a blind, nocturnal vampire be able to see its reflection in the daytime?

Tiger Woods needs to find new sponsers since his recent scandal is sure to bring about problems with nike and gatorade among others. Rumors have it Cialis is after him to come out with a new brand of male enhancement pills called Tigers Wood.

If you purposely drive your car into another car, is it still called an accident?

Ok, I got some others in the works, but they were not coming out as I hoped so I will save them.

Song of the Day: "(If you're wondering if I want you to) I want you to" by Weezer

Quote of the Day: "Oh Michael, it must be obvious how wrong this is." -Toby, from the Office, to Michael Scott on him dressing up as Jesus

"Social Experiment: Part One"

2009-12-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry, no post yesterday..whatevss.

"Social Experiment: Part One"

I, for the past year or so, have been conducting what I describe as a social experiment. I have only told a few people here and there about it, and only as a part of the social experiment. I have decided to finally share with the world my findings and motives and well everything about it. Today I will reveal one motive and part of the experiment.

-How to get people to do stuff for you:

That is right. All of those who know me are not surprised in the least. However, I have tried many things and many ways to try and get people to do stuff for me. I will name the top three ways to get people to do stuff for you.

1. Be subtle. If someone is sitting in a seat that you wish to sit in, then ask them to get up while having another conversation. Make it come out of left field so the person doesn't have a chance to think about it. This could cause them to do something that they may not want to do and in your favor.

2. Flip flop it. Let them call you out on trying to swindle a chair from them. Then after they call you out and think they got you...bam you flip flop. Get emotional. "I'm sorry, no, its just I was sitting on this other chair and my back is killing me, I just want to have a good time. I just thought as a good friend you might, I don't know, switch chairs for a little while." Bam, now they feel bad and that chair is as good as yours.

3. Barter. Find something that you don't really want and make it seem appealing. Then offer it in exchange for what you want. I usually bring an extra beer with me to casual hang outs for this very purpose. Bonus if you bring a beer you don't like, so you are never upset about giving it up. Another part of bartering could be to give someone a beer, say, in the beginning of the night. Then you keep the "hey, come on, I gave you a beer earlier" card in your pocket for later.

That concludes "Part One" of my social experiment. Much more to come.

Song of the Day: "Tick Tock" by Kesha

Quote of the Day: "The party don't start till I walk in." -Kesha, in her hit song Tick Tock

14 minutes, what shall I think about?

2009-12-08T20:48:00.001-08:00

Poems!!!

I have 14 minutes before the day is over, so I am writing these poems super quickly!

In the land of ice and snow

Falling

A world, with remorse and ineptitude

Shadows in the light of darkness

The darkness speaks

Falling

As a hand brushes our shoulder

Falling

Is the dirt of my shoulders

Not off of my shoulders, of my shoulders

Speaking the words of the darkness

Falling

A subtle tone, a simple beat

We are all inferior

We are all

Falling.

That one is called "Falling"

Lightning strikes

Winds blow

Thunder thunders

Mountains grow

Water calms

Deserts heat

Volcano erupts

Drums beat

Internet connects

Iphones app

Government rules

First one was free verse, second had a rhyme scheme and another scheme for you to figure out (has to do with plurals). The first one is about how no matter how good we think we are doing we live in a world where we cannot succeed and leads to a conclusion that you should not take for granted small battles won, they are all you got. The second one is a poem that could have been updated over the past millions of years. It is untitled. It is about how things are and will do what they are and will do. It leads to a conclusion that things change and everyday something new will arrive. I chose to not write a final sentence. One reason could be to emphasize governments control of our lives. Another reason is for you to come up with one on your own. Same with the title. Things are what they are, it is up to you what you do with them (message of the poem).

Song of the Day: "No Rain" by Blind Melon

Quote of the Day: "Are you kidding me!?" -a kid in one of my soccer classes, he stated this quote after every single thing I said to him (to be fair I was kidding him most of the time)

My Weekly TV Review

2009-12-07T19:41:00.001-08:00

My Top 5 TV Shows of the week:

1. Scrubs: Great comeback, hilarious as ever, but what happens when Zach Braff is no longer around?

2. Dexter: Is any show more anticipated, and has any show surpassed highest of expectations week after week like this one?

3. Friday Night Lights: Wildcat Offense, Paintball, Minka Kelly, Dramatic Breakdown, Miss Texas, what else could you ask for?

4. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: If almost every character on a show makes an argument for the funniest character on television, is it the funniest comedy?

5. White Collar: Why can't other shows be this fun while still dropping bombs on us, week after week?

Honorable mention: Community, The Office, Glee, Californication

I decided to try out the question thing. Might keep it, might try something different next week.

Quote of the Day: "I know Kung-Fu." -Chuck, from NBC's Chuck, on learning Kung Fu

Song of the Day: "Cobrastyle" by Teddybears ft. Mad Cobra

It is not as long as it looks

2009-12-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

i already got some bloggers block.

Song of the Day: "Party And Bullshit In The USA" -Miley Cyrus and Notorious B.I.G. Mashup

Quote of the Day: "We're lucky people laugh when I say stuff." -Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock

here is a little something i wrote last year:

“Tonight’s Game”

By Brian Pinto

B: Hello and welcome to Caged-In Stadium. My name is Bob Brave and I’m here with the great Jack Benimble.

J: Good to be here Bob.

B: Tonight we have a quite the match-up between the Arctic Werewolves and the Hackensack Humans. Both teams have really surprised us this year and this should be a good match-up.

J: That’s right, Bob. It could get ugly out there, but I think we’re in for some real exciting stuff.

B: Well, lets get started with tonight’s starting lineup. Playing centerfield and leading off for the Humans is Chet the Cheetah. Chet leads the league in stolen bases, but has had trouble with balls up against the wall.

J: I guess cheetahs aren’t great climbers.

B: Yes, I read that to. Online. Batting second and playing third base is Ziggy the Zebra. He has been having an incredible defensive year although he seems to be in a tiff with the shortstop.

J: Well, I was talking to someone in the clubhouse earlier, Bob, and he told me Lucas the Lion tried to eat Ziggy after Wednesday nights record setting 7 hour, 24 inning ball game.

B: He must have been pretty hungry to put his career in jeopardy like that. Well hopefully they can settle their differences. Lucas “the king” the Lion is batting third and playing shortstop. Batting cleanup and playing left field is Big “Bad Boy” Billy the Bear. Bad Boy Billy now leads the league in home runs after scoring that inside the park home run last week in Tampa.

J: What amazed me was he hit a soft grounder back to the first basemen. Something about Bad Boy Billy just scared off the first basemen and no one was willing to get close enough to make the tag.

B: Yea, you bearly ever see that.

J: That’s funny, Bob.

B: Thanks, Jack.

B: Batting fifth and our designated hitter, is Reilly “The Rhinoceros” the Rhino. Reilly has what we think is the most uncreative nickname and the thickest skin in the game.

J: Yea, he’s been receiving a lot of bashing in the media this week because of that whole horn incident.

B: That’s right Jack, let’s just say he is not the musician we thought he was, but he is still out there smiling. Batting sixth is catcher Otis the Orangutan. He has had a very up and down year, Jack. Be quick and tell us what has been happening.

J: Well Bob, after coming over from Indonesia 2 years ago, he has been feeling habitually ill. He has missed 5 games this season, refusing to come down from a tree each time.

B: I guess he really has had an up and down season.

J: That’s funny, Bob.

B: Thanks Jack. Batting seventh is second basemen Prince the Penguin. He is new to the team after being brought up from the minors a couple days ago. He gets his first start tonight. Batting behind him at number 8 is first basemen Gary the Giraffe. Though a liability at the plate, his reach at first base is easily the best in the league.

J: I believe he has trouble seeing the ball and being a tall guy his large strike zone makes him easy to pitch to.

B: Yea, Gary actually was an all-star basketball player at Duke, but chose baseball because he killed a guy accidentally by kicking him in the skull going up for a rebound. He’s a great guy though and a hell of a first basemen.

J: Yea, he would stick his neck out for anybody.

B: That’s funny Jack.

J: Thanks, Bob.

B: And of course, batting ninth, our man we love to hate, playing right field Sammy the Seal.

J: Man I love that Sammy. He is one hell of a crowd pleaser. He got into some trouble though last week for putting on a show for the fans during game play.

B: Ha, that’s right. He was doing his famous clap and bark when a ball got hit his way.

J: He had no idea it was coming.

B: That play alone may have cost the Humans that game.

J: Yea, but in his defense fans kept throwing fish out to him. Why were they throwing fish?

B: Well everyone knows Sammy is quite a seally seal.

J: That’s funny Bob.

B: Thanks, Jack.

Finally, a sign of winter.

2009-12-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

snow!

"and lots of it, kids!" -Chevy Chase's character in the Nickelodeon hit movie "Snow Day"

This is what us in the biz call a curve ball. (Putting the quote of the day right there in the beginning). Had to do it, any chance to quote my favorite Nickelodeon movie starring Chevy Chase, Chris Elliot, Josh Peck, and Iggy Pop (yes, kids, the same Iggy Pop that imdb describes as "Legendary Rock 'n' Roll wildman and substance abuser") I must take advantage of.

Anyway, it snowed today- great news for skiers and blowboarders everywhere. (I wrote blowboard instead of snowboard because snowboarders, well, blow. (im crafty).)

O, and I forgot to mention: Yesterday's song of the day, though I thought was quite random, came on in the bar I was at last night. This may seem like no big deal, but allow me to explain. I am watching the tv show "Las Vegas" (highly recommended) and am currently in season 4 which aired in 2007. I heard the John Legend song in one of those episodes. I proceeded to make it my song of the day. THAT VERY NIGHT I am in a bar, that I have frequented in the past, that usually plays a pretty standard and repetitive playlist (including hits like Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA and that Sweet Caroline song written and performed by Mr. Neil Diamond and the Counting Crows song that everyone knows called Mr. Jones- incidentally I know a Mr. Jones and he does tell fairytales while staring at beautiful women) and this John Legend song, comes on. Now, let me pose a crazy thought. The maker of the playlist, yes the very creator of the mix of songs that comes on IN THE BAR, is a reader of the blog. This may or may not be true, and is probably untrue due to the incredible length of connections, random chatter, and lucky browsing it would take for him to encounter briaries in only its first 2 days of existence, BUT still pretty darn cool.

I had a few more snow/blow jokes, but I just don't think I have the energy after typing the above paragraph.

Song of the Day: "Taylor" by Jack Johnson (because the video is hilarious- check it out)

Boo Yah!

2009-12-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

day 2!

I am excited for the end of this week because I am excited for the start of next week. My brother is moving to South Carolina and my parents are going away for the week to help him move.

Quick sidenote- my house is the kind of house that we buy our tree on 12/24 and its on the curb 12/26. Not much decorations for christmas in my house. But this year...everything will change.

While my parents are away I have decided I am going to deck the hell out of my house with everything christmas/chanukah. Im talking lights - inside and outside- santa, reindeer, snow globes, stockings, reefs, mistletoe, ornaments, christmas tree (with a big star on top), snow machine, menorahs, dreidels, yamulkes, and anything else I can think of. I am going to make christmas mixes galore- including all the songs from the chipmunks. My personal favorite christmas song- Jingle Bell Rock- will be heavily featured. The holiday spirit is strong in this man (me) and lets just say my parents aren't going to know what hit them. Boo yah! (i feel like "boo yah" is not used that much anymore so I encourage everyone to attempt to use it in the next few days in an attempt to "bring it back")

Song of the Day: "Save Room" by John Legend

Quote of the Day: "In the sixth sense theres a twist. You found out that the guy in the end was Bruce Willis the whole time." -Charlie, IASIP

Big Ideas

2009-12-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

I will include a "Song of the Day" after each post!

I am thinking something like a "THIS WEEK IN TV" segment once a week or something.

LOST SPOILERS!

I am going to make strong attempts to post daily. This means I will attempt, in a strong manner, to post everyday.

First step: blog. Second step: diet and excercise.

(The above is things I would like to do on a daily basis.)

I will create a "choose your own ending" story at some point in the blog. I have it all planned out, just need to plan it out.

I may also try to include a quote of the day, if I can think of one.

Briaries!!!

Song of the day: "I'm A Player" by KGB

Quote of the Day: "I may also try to incude a quote of the day, if I can think of one." -b-ri

The Beginning

2009-12-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

Briaries is here! Diaries of Brian, or B-ri as I will refer to myself as from this point forward, is just you know my thoughts. I'm laughing all the time and I like to think if people could hear my thoughts they would be laughing also. So...enjoy!