Guest Blogger

Guest Blogger: Nico

briaries: I wish my life had a laugh track.

Nico: Then you wouldn't be the only one laughing at your jokes.

Oh bother.

Some people believe everything they read on the internet.
Elephants are part of the bear family.
"What!?" "Are you serious!?"
No, Chris, the internet is not telling the truth. Elephants are not bears.

Song of the Day: "Blah Blah Blah" by Ke$ha

Quote of the Day: "That's why girls don't play the game, coach." -Shane Falco, Keanu Reeves' character in The Replacements

Saturday Night Mission Night

Saturday Night Mission Night

Tonight's mission will have 4 tasks.

1. Come up with a personal motto or slogan for yourself. Use it throughout the course of your night. For example, my personal slogan chosen for tonight is "Be the bee, create some buzz." See the buzz refers to possibly stirring up some craziness among your peers or it could refer to drinking a little bit. Either way, there is room for interpretation and it is a pretty punny slogan.
2. Swig. Swig. Swig. Swig. Swig. Find a bottle and swig. I am not talking about shots hear people, swig-a-liggidy-swig. (A possible motto?) Note: If unable to do so this task because you are in a bar, I will include an alternative task. The alternative task is to take a sip of a drink and gargle it right at the bar in which you ordered it.
3. Tell someone that they look really good tonight. Then go into detail. See how long you can go before you sound completely ridiculous. 1 point for every compliment, try to hit at least 10.
4. Tip your waitress. It can be anything from "Speak more clearly when you tell us the specials" to "Keep a couple extra straws in your apron, just in case."

Happy tasking!!



Song of the Day: "In My Head" by Jason Derulo
Quote of the Day: "What? What book? They all have chapters!" -Cole, in Scrubs

Social Experiment

I have been documenting my Social Experiment every Thursday. Tonight, there will be no Social Experiment posting.

There have been five and a half parts to my Social Experiment including: how to get people to do stuff for you, how to get someone to believe anything, how to earn respect from your peers, how to catch someone in a lie, how to get out of doing stuff, and how to fake an injury. These are all very good lessons that can help in all social situations. At this point of my social experiment I have reached a cross road. In revealing my social experiment to the world I have deeply hindered my ability to conduct such experiments. As mentioned previously, this is part of an advanced part of my social experiment. So for now, the social experiment needs some time for observation and will not be exposed until enough research has been done. My Social Experiment posts will return within a month. Thank you for your cooperation.

Some quick jokes that I am still working on, but have decided to share anyway:

-My problem with ice cream is I do not enjoy food with a time limit.
-It's easy to make fun of blind people. They don't see it coming.
-Apple is coming out with a new product to help cheerleaders. It's called Itherooftherooftheroofisonfire.
-Last night we were thinking of songs about cars. I decided to turn songs not about cars into songs about cars. I came up with New Torque, New Torque by Frank Sinatra, Engine Flow by Pearl Jam, Iron Van by Black Sabbath, Sex Is On Tire by Kings of Leon, and my personal favorite Oops, I Shifted Again by Britney Spears.


Quote of the Day: "Is there another type of idiocy that you would be comfortable with?" -Shawn Spencer, when told "This type of idiocy will not be tolerated on this base!"
Song of the Day:"According To You" by Orianthi

That's Crazy

Crazy, but True:

1. Human's are the only animals that use the internet.
2. 8 out of every 10 people is 80%.
3. Dr. Pepper is not a cola.
4. Dr Pepper is not a real doctor, but Dr. Pepper is an actual doctor.
5. If a chocolate chip cookie has more than 20 chocolate chips in it, then legally it must be called a chocolate cookie with chips.
6. People with big mouths are sometimes called orators. Animals with big mouths are sometimes called alligators.
7. After cutting down a tree there is a lot of paper work to be done. They need to log all of the details.
8. If there was no such thing as wine coolers than pedophiles wouldn't exist.
9. The trick to eating Gummy Bears is to chew.
10. She can't possibly be your cherry pie.

It's crazy, I know.

Song of the Day: "In My Head" by Jason DeRulo
Quote of the Day: "I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?" -President Bartlet, to Toby, in the hit show The West Wing, and how topical that quote is when you think of the fact that one of the biggest hit shows right now is The Jersey Shore

Undercover Boss

So it has been brought to my attention that the reality show "Undercover Boss" is airing after the Super Bowl. Previously shows such as Alias, Chuck, and The Office have had this most coveted spot. Since I have no previous knowledge of what this show is about I have decided to come up with some ideas and see if any of these are correct. I have done this previously with the reality shows "Survivor," "Deal or No Deal," and "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grade." I have yet to be correct with any of them.

What "Undercover Boss" Is Possibly About:

-12 contestants are hired to go undercover as Tony Danza and try to reignite their careers.
- 8 people are hired to work in a large office in which one of their peers is actually their boss. Each week someone is fired so they all need to suck up to everyone in order to not get fired because they do not know who their boss is.
-5 CEO's from recently bankrupt companies put their bonuses on the line in this thriller. They all go undercover into the world underground drug trafficking. Whoever survives/busts the most drug dealers is rewarded all of the money.
-Bosses in different companies take over bottom of the totem pole jobs to see how the lowly people are treated.
-Contestants interview a group of 5 workers and need to guess which one is the boss. If they get it right they move onto the next round.
-Pretty much the same show as the one with the mole, only instead of a mole one is the boss. The boss is the mole.
-A boss and an employee go undercover together. The boss goes undercover and the employee is the handler. They get involved in such organizations such as the Mob, Russian Crime Syndicates, Arby's, Ponzi Schemes, and the CIA.

Well that's all for now.


Song of the Day: "American Girl" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Quote of the Day: "I need a Dr. Pepper." -me, on needing a DP stat

My Weekly TV Review

My Weekly TV Review:

1. The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien: SPECIAL- Normally this show deserves a spot on this list every week, but since it is on every night I have excluded it from the running. Conan's last night was this past Friday and the Cone Bone's final two weeks were awesome. So it begs the question, how will I live without CoCo taking up all the space on my DVR?

2. The Office: If I told you that I would show you a bunch of hilarious scenes from one of the funniest shows on television, is that something you might be interested in?

3. Community: Are dance scenes ever not funny?

4. Scrubs: Is this show getting funnier because the characters are growing on me or is it just classic Scrubs?

5. 24: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to Jack Bauer, if history has shown us anything isn't it that Jack Bauer is always right when it comes to securing a terrorist threat?

Honorable Mention: White Collar, Chuck, 30 Rock, Modern Family

NOTE: Awesome week of TV coming up, get your DVR's geared up.


Song of the Day: "Solsbury Hills" by Peter Gabriel
Quote of the Day: "It's on fire, it's on fire." -Justin Timberlake, about his Ping-Pong paddle after scoring a point on Peyton Manning in a Sony commercial

Saturday Night Mission Night

I am sorry for my lazy week in posting. Busy, Busy. Busy. I assure all my readers that I am back in action. So here is the latest Saturday Night Mission Night.

Tonight's mission will have 4 tasks.

1. Order a beer at a bar and ask for a pineapple wedge. You can combine the manliness of a beer and still get a fruity drink in the process. Extra points if done with a Guiness (the manliness of all beers).
2. Make fun of Avatar in IMAX 3D somehow. Some possible examples: "Avatar sucks, especially in IMAX 3D." "Avatar in IMAX 3D? More like Avatar in IWHACK 3D." "I wish I was going to see Avatar in IMAX 3D. Wait. No that's not true. Avatar in IMAX 3D is boring." "Avatar is rated PG-13. Avatar in IMAX 3D is overrated." "I looked a picture of a tree for 3 hours. It wasn't as boring as Avatar in IMAX 3D." "If I was a movie and I was Avatar in IMAX 3D I would wrap myself up in bits of dead zebra and attack the lion at the circus so that when I get eaten to death and killed at least I would be entertaining people for once."
3. Munchies! Treat yourself late night to some treats. Cookies, chips, pizza...you name it. Maybe go to the Diner at 3 a.m. and get some French Toast.
4. This next task requires 4 quarters. Ask a stranger for a quarter. If they give it to you, give them 4 quarters in return, just for being nice and giving you a quarter. Reward the good deed. If they say no then take out the 4 quarters you have and say well you here you go and throw them on the ground and stomp off.

Happy tasking!

Song of the Day: "We Still the Old Way" The Lost Prophets
Quote of the Day: "Floor collapses during Swedish weight watchers meeting" -NY Post headline, 01/15/10
SPECIAL! Video of the Day:
I saw this performance on The Tonight Show, check it out:

Social Experiment: Part Five

Here is the latest of my ongoing social experiment.

"Social Experiment: Part Five"

-How to get out of doing stuff:
Ever been asked to do something, but you really do not want to? Well follow these steps and you should be able to get out of just about anything.
1. Fake Injury. Depending on what is asked, make up an injury that specifically would hinder your ability to perform the requested task. It is almost too easy. This brings me to another part of my social experiment.

"Social Experiment: Part Five Point Five"

-How to fake an injury:
Need to fake an injury for any amount of reasons? This should help.
1. Moan and Complain. It as easy as it sounds. If you make any sort of grunt or moaning sound people will think something is wrong. Then complain about it. The more you complain the more people will have no choice but to notice that you are indeed in pain and injured.
2. Props. Any prop will do. Anything from casts to crutches to wheel chairs to splints. You can even make some on your own. Carry around a medicine vile with some Tic Tacs or Pez or M&Ms in it and people will think it is your medication for your serious injury. Hospital bracelets are always encouraged.
3. Fun Facts. Come up with some fun facts about your injury. They can be made up or researched on Wikipedia or WedMD. (Note: I recommend making up fun facts only to experts who are well versed in all aspects of my Social Experiment.) In displaying extensive knowledge on the subject of your injury you will show that you care and that the injury really has affected you. Nobody really knows about something unless it affects them personally in some way. WebMD blends an award-winning expertise in medicine, journalism, health communication and content creation to bring you the best health information possible. They offer credible and in-depth medical news and reference material in their mission to bring you objective, trustworthy, and timely health information.

So in short, if you want to get out of doing something, fake an injury. If you follow the above steps closely this should be an easy task. Good Luck!

Quote of the Day: "The seats are so close it's like your watching an HD television." -Jack, Alec Baldwin's character in 30 Rock
Song of the Day: "Bed Of Roses" by Bon Jovi

My Weekly TV Review

My Weekly TV Review

It has been a couple weeks, but TV is finally back full throttle.

1. Community: Is it currently the best comedy on television?
2. Scrubs: Does this show remind you of Brett Favre, you think it's done over and over then comes back and you find out it is still awesome?
3. Chuck: Do you know Kung Fu?
4. Modern Family: How did this show find two insanely hot women that can succeed in a comedy?
5. Human Target: Will you give it a Chance? (pun intended)

Honorable Mention: Better Off Ted, 24

More shows start up this week so it should be a good week of television!

Quote of the Day: "We need to check where the suspect went after he left Reed's apartment. Start checking traffic cams!" -Jack Bauer to Chloe O'Brien insinuating he's back!
Song of the Day: "Healed" by Matt Ryd

Saturday Night Mission Night

Game Night...Holla!

This mission will have 4 tasks.

1. Shake yo booty. I'm not kidding. I want you to shake it and shake it hard. Some possible songs that would make it easy to shake yo booty: "Get Shaky" by The Ian Carey Project and "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
2. Come up with a name for your own blog. You do not need to create your own blog. I want you to think about what you would name one if you created one. Part of this mission is also to ask someone else what they would name their blog if they had one (use briaries as an example if needed: "What would you name your blog, for instance my friend brian named his briaries, what you name yours?")
3. Shotgun a beer and get someone to shotgun with you. If you do this mission while riding shotgun, then you get bonus points (road sodaaaaaaaaaas!).
4. Bring it on. This is an interpretive task. Do what you will with it. If afterwards you can say you brought it, then successful mission.


Song of the Day: "Memories" by David Guetta ft. Kid Cudi
Quote of the Day: "Shots?" -my Dad to me and a friend several times tonight referring to shots of Cabo Wabo Tequila

Back!

Thank you, Josh, for nice blogtastic blogography. I knew all ablog that you could blog it. I hope everyone engblogged the blog while I was ablog.

Anyway...

Today I received a letter from myself. I wrote the letter on January 3, 2000, when I was in seventh grade. A young briaries in the making. After much debate I have decided to go ahead and type up the letter, I will omit all names:

Dear whoever it may concern,

Hi! My name is Brian M*** P****. You are an idiot if you didn't already know that. about 2 1/2 days ago it became the year 2000. Everybody is hyped out about the "millenium" even though the millenium isn't 2000, its 2001. DAMN! Well I will remind you about the good ole' days. Well for one my grade is a fricken soap opera. So dramatic. Oh Mr. T just handed back a vocab quiz while I'm writing this and I got 100. You got a 100. Oh back to the dramatic (crap is crossed out here) junk. **** went home because **** made up a diss and **** told him to tell **** but **** did and she got very upset. She cried hysterical and went home. My best friend **** is someone you should remember about. In health Mr. F**** handed out dummies of mouths to practice mouth to mouth recessitation. Its cool. I have a lot of friends such as ****, ****, ****, ****, **** (hes goin out with ****) and a bunch more people. I kinda like this girl ????????????????. (*****). Ms. L*** eats chalk. **** is my friend to. He is sometimes an @$$.=At dollar dollar. Christmas vacation just ended, man, I had fun,
NOT !! !! !! !!
(the exclamtion points are eyes and he wrote a smiley face under each one)
I was bored but rather be there then here. I have an oral after letters are finished. I hope I don't have to go cause we run out of time. I hate orals. I saw the coolest movie last night. It is called the Matrix. If you don't remember the Matrix and what is be sure to rent it and watch it again. Also if you haven't seen American Pie by now do so. I heard its fabulous and you see lots of different stuff. In my grade everyone is messed up. I hate my school and want to move. **** is also my friend and I told him about Larchmont Temple. that's my hebrew school. Hes from *****. **** that is. I have HS on Tuesdays and Thursdays and my Bar Mitzvah is March 25, 2000. This year! Well I hate writing and I am getting sick of this letter so bye. Oh by the way
SCHOOL SUCKS (crossed out)
Sorry I don't hate school. I just dislike it very, very, very, very,
MUCH!
-Goodbye (in cursive)
Sincerely (in cursive)
BRIAN P**** (with an arrow pointing to the last name saying "thats exactly how dad writes it")

Not now, but I will naturally have to write a response to this letter in the coming days.
Incidentally, I have already written a letter to my younger self (I believe 11 yr old me). I will be sure to post that as well.

ALSO: If you are reading, and were in my middle school and received your letter feel free to type up and post under comments. 7th graders are hilarious. ALSO: We can share the names in person.


Song of the Day: "Smooth" by Santana feat. Rob Thomas (was Billboard's #1 song when I wrote this letter)
Quote of the Day: "Also if you haven't seen American Pie by now do so. I heard its fabulous and you see lots of different stuff." -7th grade b-ri to present b-ri

Goodbye

Well this is my last post for now. Briaries will return to its regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. I just want to say thanks for the memories.

All this reminiscing makes me want to look back and highlight the best of the decade so far. I'm kind of a trend setter so here is the first best of the new decade list on the scene.

Top 8 Blog Posts of the Decade

Guest Blogging

Signs of the Apocalypse

Saturday Night Mission Night

HGTV and The Food Network

Monday Movie Magic

Pot Luck Tuesday

Mayhem at the Movies

Goodbye

Wow riveting stuff.

Mark McGwire has finally admitted to using steroids yet still claims that his talent was given to him by the man upstairs. Looks like he's sharing an apartment with his old steroid dealer.

Rim Shot.

Are wildfires caused by depressed trees?

Crickets.

I promised I would cry. So lets sing the song of the day together. Start on the count of 3.

1.

2.

3.

Quote of the Day: You're such a Potsie. -Ralph Malph on Happy Days

Song of the Day: "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick

Mayhem at the Movies

So I need you help team. I had a horrible movie going experience last night when I saw Sherlock Holmes. Besides the movie which I won't be talking about I'm going to try to paint you an accurate picture of what occurred. Actually since I don't have any paint or a brush for that matter I'll just tell you.

So I saw this movie last night at a relatively small theater that has 4 dollar movies on Tuesdays. A group of what I would say to be 15-17 year olds sat behind me. I would say about 6 of them. I was just with one friend. So the whole time before the movie they are chatting it up being a little obnoxious, but it's the trailers so I'm not going to say anything. Then the movie begins.

The entire time the movie played all 2 plus hours they are chatting, giggling, at several times people left the theater and returned a little later. They throw popcorn at each other and were all together the rudest people I have ever encountered. Now the way these people talked and acted I would describe as "thuggish".

About 10 minutes into the movie I turned around and said and I quote "Yo, I don't want to be the guy that shhes you the whole movie, but do you mind." Thinking this to be the only way I could try to tell them to shut up. He said immediately "oh yea sorry bro we'll be quiet". This worked for about 20 minutes. Then the same old shit continued the rest of the movie.

Now I know your sitting at home saying oh I would told them to shut the fuck up or this or that, but it's different when you're actually there in the situation so try and imagine it all.

Now I have been thinking of several options of what I could have done. If I turned around and shhed them or said shut up or be quiet or anything like that I can almost guarantee I would have gotten it more 10 fold. "Yo bro this guy is shhing me he said I should be quiet what an idiot."

Another option I get up and tell one of the theater people hey these people behind me are talking can you tell them to stop. Now when the employees are like 17 years old themselves this is kind of ridiculous. Also it just seems juvenile for me to do that. It's like asking your Mom to talk to the bully to ask him to stop bullying you. The bully is going to say ok I'll stop, but then as soon as they leave just harass you more. Also there were no other viable seats to move to. An option I considered early on.

Another difficulty is that they are sitting behind me which is very awkward and difficult to do anything. You are in a dark theater and to turn around you have a very vulnerable feeling I guess I would say by them sitting behind you.

I would also say maybe if I were with more friends I may have been more comfortable to do something, but I really can't say that for sure because again it's always easier to think about things in hindsight.

So I've come to only 2 possible things that can be done in this situation. One is you get up and leave and talk to the ticket people and demand a refund because the kids behind you won't shut up. This is fine I guess. But in this scenario you have totally lost and have been "bitched out" by fucking morons.

The other possibility and it kind of takes a lot of balls. Is to stand up and act like a total maniac. These kids don't know who you are so you can be anyone. So you can stand up and yell something like "If you don't shut the fuck up I'm going to break all of your fucking jaws so you'll never be able to speak again."

The latter of those options is kind of unrealistic to do, but I can see it being the most effective. Either way I felt totally helpless in this situation and it totally ruined the movie which really wasn't that great to begin with.

Maybe I'm missing something, but that's where you guys come in. What do you do in this situation? Please respond in the comments.

Also lastly I want to add that I was sitting sort of far back in this small theater and just assumed that the people behind us were the last ones in the theater. When the lights came on I realized that there were a bunch of people behind them who didn't say a single word the entire time. What the fuck is that all about?

Quote of the Day: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now shut your mouths or I'll shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding just try me. Try me. Because I would love it! -George from Seinfeld

Movie of the Day: Moon

Song of the Day: "We Belong To The Music" by Miley Cyrus ft. Timbaland

Oh, and here is some other song I heard in a movie once:

Pot Luck Tuesday

Well brave commentator Andrew called my bluff. I have not seen Leap Year. I am a fraud.

Though on viewing the trailer I would probably give it just 3 Leap Years out of 5 Leap Years.

I've noticed an increased amount of marijuana news as of late and especially today so I've decided to devote todays blog to the sticky subject. That works on 2 levels.

New Jersey's Senate and Assembly has passed a medical marijuana bill that the governor is likely to sign before the end of the week making New Jersey the 14th state to legalize medical marijuana. Those suffering will finally have something to celebrate as it will finally be bearable to live in New Jersey.

Suits in D.C. are considering proposals to decriminalize marijuana in the district. Seems like this will finally allow Abraham Lincoln to get off his big white chair and see the other monuments without the cops hassling him.

San Francisco lawmakers approved a bill to legalize all pot in their city recently. The bill would have the state treat marijuana essentially the same way alcohol is treated. If only they did the same for cereal the Trix rabbit could finally eat his own cereal at the same time preventing those damn kids from enjoying it.

The State of Washington have filed a ballot to legalize all marijuana. It is being sponsored by lawyers in Seattle. This is a great move because we should be getting everyone onto pot and off of the Space Needle.

Quote of the Day: Everyone knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. -Michael from The Office

Stoner Movies of the Day: Dazed and Confused, The Big Lebowski, and Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Song of the Day: "Last Dance with Mary Jane" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Monday Movie Magic

I'm kind of just stating the obvious here, because we all know what I'll be talking about today as it was such a huge hit at the box office this week. Me and my friends have seen it multiple times. It truly is a remarkable game changing film. I'm talking of course about Leap Year.

I will be talking about key plot points so if you're one of the few people who haven't seen it you may want to skip this post and just come on back tomorrow. Nothing personal.

As we all know according to Irish legend a woman can propose to a man on leap day and the man has to accept. We've all been caught up in that little pickle. So Anna decides to head to Dublin to propose to her boyfriend. Her plane is diverted and she meets another guy and eh I can't do it.

I can't make fun of this seemingly dull and idiotic, but what turned out to be a charming movie. Amy Adams is just a delight. Has there ever been a more enrapturing, adorable, and gracious actress to be on the silver screen. Beautiful cinematography of the Irish country side. Stupendous score. What a story this is! A woman crosses the world to be with her boyfriend, but discovers instead true love in unexpected places. Matthew Goode is a joy to watch as the reluctant driver who takes her across country to bring her to her boyfriend, but instead learns a little about himself and about love. But you know what blogosphere I learned a lot about love and maybe just maybe a little about myself.

I give this movie 5 Leap Years out of 5 Leap Years. Leap Years being the measurement of which I now measure all movies by.

Quote of the Day: We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snow-suit up. -Barney in How I Met Your Mother

Movie of the Day: District 9

Song of the Day: "Series of Dreams" by Bob Dylan

HGTV and The Food Network

Whoa what a mission night am I right?

I'd like to congratulate all who attempted and all who accomplished with a special shout out to commentators jason, anonymous, and Briaries himself. I would just like to say anonymous you are a coward, but again great job.

Also shout outs to previous comment makers john doe and Steve.

I like to stay topical on my postings so let's talk about the Jets. The New York Jets played yesterday.

Moving on.

Recently cable provider Cablevision pulled both HGTV and Food Network from their lineup. For those afflicted and those who care this has been disastrous. Now some of you out there are reading this and thinking hey I don't watch those networks who gives a hoot. Some people now are shocked that some people still use the word hoot. You probably are sitting there thinking I only watch ESPN, because I'm a big masculine man and sports are great. Football. But slow down cool your jets.

HGTV and the Food Network are collectively the ESPN to mothers nationwide. You've noticed your Mom has been off lately, but you haven't asked why because you're a terrible child. But I'm going to tell you why. They lost their ESPN. I'm calling for you now to take up this fight as your own, because when Cablevision pulls ESPN or some other channel that you watch like LOGO you're going to wish that they were on your side.

"Oh, but Briaries this doesn't affect me." Oh did the civil rights movement affect you directly. Probably not, but you stand up for what is right. So I am calling on all readers to, eh well there's nothing you really can do. You can sign some petition, but Cablevision doesn't really care. They'll just do what they want to do. Pretty easy for them with almost a monopoly on their hands.

Maybe just help your Mom make dinner or knit a sweater or something.

P.S. A great show by the name of Chuck premieres tonight on NBC. Check it out.

Quote of the Day: Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. -Mel Gibson

Movie of the Day: Zombieland

Song of the Day: "Macgruber Theme Song"

Saturday Night Mission Night

I've decided to continue this tradition. For those new to Saturday Night Mission Night I will present you with 3 tasks all of which are your mission to accomplish tonight. Good luck.

1. At a bar or really any place of business when going to pay for an item ask "Do you accept cash here?". 7 at of 10 times it gets a laugh and that's good enough for me, therefore it's good enough for you and if they don't laugh you can just laugh. Cause it's hilarious.

2. Tell a friend you think they are great and that you love them. They will be taken aback, because this isn't often said enough. They will feel quite special and it will make their night. Or it will freak them out a bit. Depends on the tone you tell them with. That's up to you. Actually on that note maybe tell this to someone you're not that close to. You know that person. He/She is in your group of friends. You never really call them to hang out or speak to them outside of your group, but when your group of friends are all together they're there. Give it a shot maybe you'll become closer to them or maybe you'll just push them away more...

3. In conversation at a random moment say "Oh like Robert Downey Jr.'s character in Tim Allen's The Shaggy Dog. This will elicit a couple responses. Some of which will be:

Yes! Exactly like his character. Thank you!

No, nothing like RDJ in The Shaggy Dog are you an idiot?

Oh, I never saw that movie.

I love Tim Allen. Arururur. (Home Improvement grunt)

I didn't care for the remake I prefer the original.

Robert Downey Jr. is in The Shaggy Dog? Really?

The last response will put you in charge of the conversation. This will stop whoever is telling their terrible story and allow you to steer the conversation wherever you want to take it.

And remember everyone the cardinal rule of Saturday Night Mission Night. Accomplish your missions, but have fun doing them. Don't lose sight of that.

Quote of the Day: Did you just growl at opposing counsel? -Judge in The Shaggy Dog

Movie of the Day: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Song of the Day: "Here Comes Your Man" by the Pixies

Signs of the Apocalypse

Whoa first day first comment!

Congratulations to a Mr. Doe on correctly spelling the word Eulogy, it was a tough one.

We were looking for E-U-L-O-G-Y.

Though because you did not provide your address you will not be receiving the cash prize. Better luck next time.

On to what I will be calling Signs of the Apocalypse:

It was announced today that production on Big Momma's House 3 will begin in mid-April. Martin Lawrence will return to role that made him famous? for playing two unique characters, Malcolm Turner and that's right you guessed it Big Momma. Fingers crossed that this will be in 3D and that she will be able to take out a loan on her new House.

Rumors abound that NBC will be moving Jay Leno back to 1130 for a half hour show, then have Conan on at 12, and Fallon on at 1.

You cannot be serious NBC.-John McEnroe

When has Jay Leno ever been funny. Jaywalking? Great, America is filled with idiots. Thanks for opening our eyes Jay. I think Leno should retire and become a DJay. See what I did Jay. I made what's called a joke or more accurately a pun. Either way something you haven't done in years.

Obama may be pushing the premiere of Lost, because of his State of the Union speech. This is outrageous. The other option is pushing the premiere of American Idol. Spoiler alert: I know what happens this year on American Idol. People sing and at first in the tryouts some people are bad, laughably bad, but then they show good people and some charming young man or woman wins the heart of America. Rinse and repeat year after year. Okay that's fine, but American Idol fans can wait a week. I don't think Lost fans can wait any much longer. Get your shit together Obama, President Bush would never have pushed the Lost premiere. He would have invaded it. Oh snap Politics!

UPDATE

Well that's today in Signs of the Apocalypse. You may notice that they are all Movie or Television related well this is because.

Please come back tomorrow for Saturday Night Mission Night.

Quote of the Day: I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses -hot. Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown -Andy from The Office

Movie of the Day: The Hurt Locker

Song of the Day: "I Am a Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel aka S-man and G-funk

Guest Blogging: The Future of Blogging

Guestblogging for briaries, wow what an honor. Briaries all came into our lives and really gave us something to live for in these tough times and for that I want to say thank you to Briaries and we all wish you luck on the mysterious, expensive, and experimental surgery you had to leave the continental United States for.

Now to answer the tough trivia questions from yesterday.

If someone told you a fact, and you did not believe it. Where do you go for information before the internet existed?
The library.
If you got in a car accident, and needed help. How did you call for help before cell phones?
Yelling really loudly or a road side phone.
If you were driving somewhere, and had no idea how to get there. What did you do before mapquest or google maps?

A regular map.

Last night I found myself watching The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien as I often find myself doing and discovered a bright new up and coming artist by the name of Ke$ha, with a dollar sign where the s should go. She already has a number one song in 4 countries with Tik Tok and if people think music is dead they have not heard this song or understand my sarcasm. Now I really wanted to learn more about Ke$ha's, with a dollar sign where the s should go, hit song Tik Tok so I looked up the lyrics. I just have a few responses.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
I'm sorry no one knows what it's like to feel like P Diddy. The man is an American Legend. I've heard he has parties where you have to wear white and then I heard he makes you eat spaghetti. You get sauce on you he kicks you out of the party.

Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Jack Daniels is detrimental to your oral hygiene, but hey Ke$ha with a dollar sign for the s never said she was a role model... or a dental hygienist.

And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
First of all do you even know who Mick Jagger is and second of all have you seen what Mick Jagger looks like lately. I mean the man's in good shape, but this your type?

I'm thinking of introducing a new feature for this week, a spelling contest. You can try to guess the answer in the comments or just play along at home. I will be providing the answer tomorrow. The first word is:

Eulogy

Good luck everybody.

Quotes of the Day: Hey Josh, do you want to blog for me for a week?-Briaries

Movie of the Day: Big Fan

Song of the Day: "White Feather" by Wolfmother

How did they live!?

Some things to think about:

If someone told you a fact, and you did not believe it. Where do you go for information before the internet existed?

If you got in a car accident, and needed help. How did you call for help before cell phones?

If you were driving somewhere, and had no idea how to get there. What did you do before mapquest or google maps?

It's crazy.


For the next week, briaries will have a guest blogger posting daily. He is probably a funnier blogger than me, so check it out and enjoy.


Quotes of the Day: "What if the fire escape catches on fire?" and "Why are ghosts constantly booing me?" -Questlove of The Roots, on Late Night w/ Jimmy Fallon, in the segment Quest-ions
Song of the Day: "Had It All" by Katharine McPhee

If only...

My 5 Favorite Question Words:

1. Why?
2. How?
3. Where?
4. What?
5. When?

My 5 Favorite Answers To The Above Question Words:

1. Because ice cream is good for you.
2. You just lay down, I'll take care of the rest.
3. In the freezer, I put the bottle of Patron in the freezer.
4. You just won 10 million dollars!
5. I'm kidding, you never need to do chores around the house.



Quotes of the Day: "Dr. Coxy is hella foxy" -Turk, in Scrubs after losing to Dr. Cox and "Toot, toot, tootie, Dr. Turk is a cutie" -Dr. Cox, in Scrubs after losing to Turk
Song of the Day: "Thick As A Brick" by Jethro Tull

JETS Jokes!!!

My Weekly TV Review will resume next week as a bunch of shows start up again this week and next.

Well the New York Jets made it to the playoffs last night, and although I was originally going to be happy for them, everything has changed. I knew, as a New York Giants fan, that I would not hear the end of it and a few texts and IM's later, followed by the last straw- a facebook wall post- I have been utterly inspired.

Jets Jokes:

JETS stands for "Just End The Season."

Wanna hear a joke? The New York Jets. They're a joke!

Why do Jets fans constantly cheer "J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!?"
It makes more sense than cheering "W-I-N, Win! Win! Win!"

Mark Sanchez's 2009 QB rating is almost as high as his 5-yr contract.

Mark Sanchez took a rape awareness class at USC. This was to prepare him for playing for the New York Jets.

Mark Sanchez threw 12 touchdown passes compared to 20 interceptions and 10 fumbles.

Rex Ryan created a secret code between him and Mark Sanchez to help the rookie out. No one knows what the code was, but it had something to do with tacos.

Rex Ryan gets very emotional during games. This is because they continually air Burger King commercials on the scoreboard during the games. Rex Ryan likes to believe he is the burger king.

Mark Sanchez won the starting QB job over Kellen Clemens during pre-season. It was like watching gay porn. A lot of sucking and if you are watching you must be a Jets fan.

Mark Sanchez, in an interview after signing with the Jets, was asked "How does it feel to be a Jet?" He responded, "We're going to take those Sharks down!"

The Jets brought in Joe Girardi to help teach Mark Sanchez how to slide. When Mark Sanchez saw a different jersey, he immediately threw the ball to him.

After the mistake, Sanchez swore to be more careful with the football. During their brief 10 minute session, Joe Girardi recorded 4 interceptions and 2 fumble recoveries.

Well, that's all for now.


Song of the Day: "You Found Me" by The Fray
Quote of the Day: "I won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister." -Hank Moody, in Californication

Stop It.

For those who do not know, my old blog was entitled "Stop It" (brianthemaster.blogspot.com) and I would find things that I think need to be stopped and write about it. I thought I covered everything, but alas here we go.

People who correct others when they say "I am good" instead of "I am well"...stop it. First of all, don't be that guy. You know what was meant, you don't need to go out of your way to be a tool. Stop it. Now, for those who are not as awesome at grammer as I am let me throw out this little explanation. (I spelled grammar wrong on purpose...what uuuuuuppp!?)

Saying "I am good" is actually perfectly acceptable. The problem is that "good" is an adjective and "well" is an adverb. Therefore, as an adverb (for those who do not know), "well" modifies a verb. So people think that it should be I am well because it is modifying the verb "to be" (am). The verb "to be" is what us in the business call a "linking verb" rather than an "action verb." Action verbs are modified by adverbs, such as well, while a linking verb isn't so much about the action as it is about connecting two words. He feels sick. Feel in this sense would be a linking verb, not an action verb. So you can say he feels sick. He feels good. He is good. I am good. Now, with that being said it is improper to say I write good. Write is an action verb and therefore needs to be modified by an adverb (well) rather than an adjective (good). However, I believe that the word "good" should be allowed to be used as an adverb even if it does not sound good. If a mistake occurs more common than the correct way, then maybe the wrong way should be correct. I'm not saying that we should stop people getting arrested for stealing by making stealing legal, but more like if everyone wants coffee at 5 a.m. then the store should be opened at 5 a.m. even if it is inconvenient for the few that believe coffee should not be drank until 7 a.m. (it's an analogy). Anyway, I digress, the grammar rules are what they are.

Needless to say, those who correct others on their grammar when speaking are tools. No one cares. We live in a world where grammar is pretty much dead. The english language has pretty much been slaughtered by "lol's" and "2nites" and "c u l8r." People text rather than speak. So don't waste your time being a tool and correcting people's grammar, because nowadays it doesn't make you sound smart, it makes you sound behind the times and again like a tool...so stop it.

l8r peeps. im out. ima stop at *$ and by some coff-e. mayb l8r i can get some I&I b4 i fall asleep. c u 2morro.


Song of the Day: "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop
Quote of the Day: "I write good." -briaries

Saturday Night Mission Night

This mission will have 3 tasks.

1. Get drunk before 6 p.m.
2. Drunk dial or drunk text someone you haven't spoken to in over 6 months.
3. Listen to the song "Keep It Going Louder" by Major Lazer ft. Tony Blaze and Nina Sky and introduce it to someone else. (Note: song was found on thebrooklynnight.blogspot.com, it's a pretty sweet site mostly about music and the happenings of Brooklyn (my birthplace)...check it out.)

Enjoy the mission, I know I will. (Oh, if you are reading this and have not spoken to me in 6 months, be ready!)


Song of the Day: "I Gotta Feeling" by Black-Eyed Peas
Quote of the Day: "Things are only impossible until they're not." -Captain Jean-Luc Picard, in Star Trek: The Next Generation

Letters!

Letters!!!!

In this, my newest of ideas, I am going to write encouragement letters to people, places, and things.


Dear briaries,

I love the posts about your social experiment. I literally sit by my computer all day on Thursdays just waiting for my neat igoogle app to update me with one of your new blog posts. I am writing a letter, and I usually don't write letters. You have inspired me, briaries, with your witty Tiger Woods joke all the way to making fun of MTV's Jersey Shore in your hit "Alphabet Soup." That show is stupid. I look forward to more briaries, you are the reason I wake up in the morning.

Love,

briaries


Dear New Cast of The Real World,

Your religious issues have really dug down deep into the root of conflict in our country and others and have really got the American people thinking about acceptance of others and their beliefs. None of you sounded like you were just talking to talk and had no clue what you really were talking about. You all sounded like smart, educated adults having a unique discussion about God and not like drunken idiots who were trying to say anything to get some screen time. Keep it up, New Cast of The Real World, we love what you bring to our Nation's capital.

Love,

briaries


Dear the Year 2009,

You were a great year. From the over 3.6 million jobs lost to ruining the name of the greatest athlete in the world (Tiger Woods) you have made sure to show us that life just 'aint fair. You gave us Avatar in IMAX and 3D and another huge blockbuster in 2012 (whatever that movie was about). Throughout your tenure as The Year It Is, you dropped our expectations of our new President from change and prosperity to ehh doing what he can? You introduced us to the likes Mike "The Situation," Taylor Lautner's abs, Twitter, and Apps . You took from us Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and any reason for personal social interaction. You did it 2009, you destroyed the spirit of the American people while at the same solving the destroyed spirit problem by attempting to make us a hermit society who exists entirely in cyber-space. Nice work.

Love,

briaries


Song of the Day: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson
Quote of the Day: "You're a pork chop Kaiser Sose!" -Turk to Denise, in Scrubs, on the twist she performed in stealing his pork chop