How To Be Successful At Solitaire

I was going to write some more jokes. The biggest joke was me trying to write jokes. So I will leave you with something I wrote last year. (This piece will continue the progression of turning me into someone you can in no way, shape, or form trust. It was written solely for comedic purposes and does not reflect my character in any way, shape, or form.)

How To Be Successful At Solitaire

Well, it has come to my attention that not everyone is as good at games as I am. I’m a winner and winning is what I do. Not everyone can be a winner when playing multiplayer games. Team games have been invented to try to produce a more efficient outcome (more winners) in gaming situations. However, there is one game that can result in everyone being a winner. This game is solitaire.

So you have a deck of cards and boredom has set in. No one else is around; it’s a beautiful evening. It is time to play some solitaire. Solitaire is the one of the easiest, challenging games ever. It can be hard, but it should be impossible to lose. I can hear the gasps now. Everyone thinking in their heads, “hey I’ve lost at solitaire before,” or “what are you talking about Brian, it is possible to lose.” Well clearly you have not read this analysis. The key to always winning at solitaire is simple: cheat.

Cheating in games is one of the best ways to get ahead. You see it everywhere in the real world and on television. Businessmen cheat for money and boyfriends cheat on girlfriends and vice versa. Cheating is a very important concept in the world of gaming. Have you ever won a video game because you used cheat codes? Its fantastic and although some can argue a false sense of accomplishment, if you feel like a winner, you are a winner. There is however one, and only one downside to cheating: getting caught.

Getting caught cheating is one of the most humiliating things that can happen. Be it by your teacher on that Geography quiz last week because you didn’t know where Tasmania was or by your girlfriend at the carnival while you were macking it to her suite mate on the Ferris wheel, it is just downright terrible. This is why solitaire is so great. Cheat, cheat, cheat. You can’t get caught. You can only get caught by yourself, but you will be so happy about winning the game you will not even care.

So if you want to win at solitaire- cheat. It can be as simple as switching a card here or there or simply changing the rules of the game slightly in your favor. If you can find a way to cheat and not get caught in other games- go for it. I cheat all the time. Whether it be double dropping in Connect Four, removing my battleship from Battleship, stealing money in Monopoly (easiest when banker), holding onto extra letters in Scrabble, bottom dealing cards in Poker, look at other peoples paper in Boggle, changing positions of pieces in Chess, giving my opponent the broken controller in Halo, using my hands in Hungry Hungry Hippos, weighted dice in Yahtzee, or mouthing answers to my partner in Cranium- I am and always will be a winner.

(Note: Although I have clearly stated this does not truly reflect my character, in the spirit of honesty, I do, in fact, cheat at solitaire. I do not cheat elsewhere. I do not need to. Like as stated above, I am a winner. I do not need to cheat to win. Except in solitaire.)

Song of the Day: "Mother We Just Can't Get Enough" by The New Radicals

Quote of the Day: "I hate 3D and IMAX. I will never go see another 3d or Imax movie again." -B-ri (me), after watching Avatar on IMAX and 3D (I also now get why they capitalize IMAX, "Imax" just doesn't cut it)